The Food and Workout tracking experiment – what an AHA-Moment!

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I haven’t tracked any food or workouts for 16 months!

SO WHAT? What’s the big deal?

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It is a huge deal once I tell you that I was bulimic and anorexic, had an obsessive approach to workouts and was tracking every pinch of salt or cinnamon!

That 16 months ago, I hit a wall. I was extremely tired and sick physically, ready to be hospitalized due to extreme bulimia. I seriously couldn’t hold a single meal. All due to the obsessive and distorted vision of my own body and of how I “should” look like to be loved, admired, appreciated and perceived as an amazing trainer or coach!

I tracked every single pinch of spices, salt and measured EVERYTHING obsessively for over 4 years (and when I couldn’t measure, I either didn’t eat or I purged to not track it). I tracked all activities, including workouts, calories burned, including cleaning, sex and who knows what, so I could subtract that from eaten food.

Pretty sick, isn’t it?

How did I manage to break that pattern? In this case, already a mental disorder?

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Imagine the situation when you hit the wall not the first time, but maybe 10th or 50th time and you are simply too tired, too sick and too depressive to keep going. Yet there is that “tiny, little, silent, almost not possible to hear” voice keeping you at the level of “let’s try, one more time, pleaseeeeeee”.
I hit that exact moment!

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In my book “The True Identity” [publishing Summer 2019] I wrote:

“November 2017, a day that started just like any of the others. (…) After yet another purging incident I went to a room where there was a huge mirror. For the last couple of months, I had avoided mirrors, hating what I saw. I didn’t know what made me look on this particular day but the image I saw this time wasn’t the extra small ‘fat’ girl but a person who was full of hatred, more hatred than anyone on this planet should be carrying.

The hate in my eyes was unbelievably huge. Words couldn’t fully express the view I saw.

(…) I have never seen my eyes in such deep darkness. They gazed straight at me and didn’t want to give up until I felt the hurt, they were showing me. They didn’t blink, holding me to the deep darkness of hate they expressed. The lightning coming from them was blinding me. They reminded me of how hateful I was. How ugly of a person I was. How worthless, miserable and pitiful I was.

I wanted to turn my head away from the image I saw. However, I simply couldn’t as someone was holding my head and telling me ‘look at yourself, look at who you have become, think about who you will be if you keep going along this path’.

My body tensed, my hands and fingers squeezing so hard that my knuckles went white. My fingers became impatient, wanting to start scratching my skin. I wanted to hurt myself, feel the pain on the physical side of it. I wanted to rip my skin away and keep scratching until I bled.

On that day the most magical phrase came out of my mouth.

‘I need help. I can’t do this by myself. Please help me’.

I cried as I realized that my stomach hurt. I was still hungry and I kept thinking that I shouldn’t eat anything anymore. I cried because deep inside of me I knew this is not the way it should be. I knew, in my heart, that this was not the true me. Deep inside of me, I knew, I had a mental eating disorder and that I could be cured.

I knew that there was no pill for it. The need for external validation, approval or feeling loved was not being helpful either.

The first thing I needed to do was to decide that enough is enough. Then I needed to ask for help.”

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So, fast forward, 16 months later, after not tracking a single spoon or sip of any food, I pulled up the app and … started again.
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But wait. This time I did it fully conscious, after thinking about it for a few days. I wanted to do it NOT for the sake of restricting my nutrition or putting myself back again in that mental, deprivation, restriction and obsessive mindset!

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I wanted to do that to test – myself, my ability to listen to my body, to see how my inner wisdom is guiding me and how that entire ‘tracking’ thing will make me feel.

**** Don’ take me wrong. I ask and encourage and even start the nutritional coaching with my clients from tracking. For the sake of building the awareness around what kind of food goes into their bodies, what type of foods are in their programs, what to eat and buy, and what foods make them feel bad or energized. It is also a way to create the habit of being aware of healthier food choices. However, I always make sure it is not getting into the obsessive addiction when my clients feel that they ‘need to’ or ‘should’ track because otherwise their worth is diminished. That is not the case and I monitor that closely! ****

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And AHA-MOMENT came with that experiment!

  • I felt pissed off at first – how come the app and the device tell me what MY body needs and how MY body should eat?
  • Then I felt scattered and little confused as for how the algorithms in these apps are made to create the ‘perfect’ calories in-and-out plan so people can follow it and feel better or.. worthy – that was not what I wanted the app to tell me! That is now what the app’s role is anyways!
  • Additionally, I ignored the app. According to it in the middle of the day, when I was hungry and wanted to give my body healthy foods, the app told me to stop because I was having too much of that and too little of that. Oh well, I turned it off and followed the wiser wizard I have ever known – MY BODY!

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At the end of the day, I know that tracking taught me something and that it’s not anymore my thing.

It taught me:

  • Discipline
  • Awareness around foods and nutrition
  • Consistency
  • Perseverance
  • Commitment
  • Creating a daily habit to journal.

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It is not anymore my thing because:

  • I listen to my body more
  • I feel what my body needs
  • I am aware of my healthy choices
  • I am very tuned in to my body
  • I am aligned and confident with who I am
  • I am confident with my food choices
  • I am into health, not restrictions
  • I know my worth
  • I don’t need an app to tell me all of the above!!!!

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And after you read this blog, all I want YOU to get out of it is that YOU too can live that way.

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Because I believe that restrictions, deprivation, obsessions, dieting, over-training and seeking external validation of self-worth never worked and will never work.

Until one taps within their own bodies and create the lifestyle where the authentic wellbeing, with physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health, is the priority.

No app, no diet, no magic pill, no wrap, no quick fix are the solutions. At least not sustainable.

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Your job is your choice!
My job is to bring awareness to the world and to YOU!

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I talked about that on my beYOUtiful Show episode #22. So worth to listen!
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P.S. I am so grateful for that experiment and that realization!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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HOMESICK

One day I got homesick.

I haven’t seen my family, which is back in Europe, for almost 6 years. Due to many reasons, personal, professional, financial and other.

Today I got seriously home sick. I missed my Mom. I couldn’t stop crying, tears were dropping uncontrollably. They were releasing so much sadness. The deep longing for reconnecting to the woman who carried me in her womb, who raised me and who feels what I feel, was overwhelming.

It came suddenly, unplanned.

Yet, it was totally planned. Nothing happens without a reason. The Universe has its ways to communicate!

I don’t have kids. I wanted at some point in my life. But due to hormonal problems, such as PCOS, I knew I will either have difficulties to get pregnant or never be able to have kids. After trying for over one and a half years with my ex-husband, I gave up. In order for me to not get depressed, I convinced my mind and heart that it is ok. That I am sick and I can always enjoy the children in my family, among my friends and around me. I even volunteered for children mentorship organizations to fulfill what was missing in my life.

Whenever someone asked me about kids, my answer was very fast and straightforward: I don’t want to have kids. I won’t be a good mother and I believe I am being a more responsible person by not having them rather than giving them a bad example and a bad family.

The emotions about having one were scary, fearful, even to the point of being disgusted.

I also felt that I love my space.  I like living luxury life. I like being by myself. Kids would just destroy my beautiful, well organized environment which I could live by myself according to myself.

Recently, the situation in my relationship forced me to discuss the potential pregnancy with my fiancée. I am not sure why did I even ask about what we will do if that happens. I quickly concluded that I am having an abortion in that case. There is no space for a kid in my life. No, no, no.

Yet, the other day I wasn’t able to purchase a pregnancy test in the store. For the first time in my life all I could feel was my heart saying that all of it is in God’s and the Universe’s hands.

I came back home and I started crying.

Cried and cried, not knowing why at first.

I missed my mom!

I realized that I didn’t want to have kids, ever in my life, because I didn’t want them to hurt me as I hurt my mom.

I didn’t want them to leave me behind and abandon me as I did to my mom.

Since I was little, I knew my mission was to protect my mom. Protect her from my abusive dad. I saw her too often on the floor bleeding from kicks and punches from my dad. All I could do to protect her then was to make sure my younger siblings were quiet so my dad wouldn’t punish my mom even more. I knew I was helping her.

I was protecting her from abusive words during the family events, where my dad could call her a whore in front of hundreds of people. Her tears were my tears, her dishonored person was mine to carry.

I was protecting her every single time I could. And if there was a moment I couldn’t it was because I wasn’t present.

Then I left to college. I left her!

I left her in the place where there was no love for her. I left her with a person I deeply hated. I left her alone and weak, sad and depressed, yet so strong that she allowed me to go. With a smile on her face, eyes full of hope, body language expressing deep love and pain at the same time, she sent me to the outside world. That way I could go there and get an education and be an independent woman and a kind person to even my enemies, serve others and always forgive, as she forgave my father a long time ago.

How could she possibly do that?

How?

Because she is the strongest woman on this planet I have ever known.

Today, knowing how I hurt her, I know I don’t want to feel that hurt myself. I don’t want my kid to abandon me.

I don’t want my kid to tell me one day that she doesn’t want to live anymore. Because I did that, too, to my mom on my birthday, when she called me at the exact same time I was born 37 years earlier. I told her that I want to die, and I should have never been born.

I can just feel the sharp pain in her heart. Yet, she didn’t even move. She didn’t panic. She didn’t cry. That wonderful woman said words I will never forget.

‘Your birth gave me hope and it always will. So today I am telling you that there is hope! Stay with me baby girl and we both will make it work!’

– my MOM

So today I know that in order to love, forgive and live with hope, kindness, compassion and unlimited strength in my heart and soul, I need to feel pain, experience hurt and tears and keep moving. Through pain there is healing. Through pain I can become the true and authentic, loving and beautiful woman my Mom always wanted me to be. Just like her! And always loving my enemies! Just like her!

Today I am grateful for what I am being given, the wonderful gift of life, the wonderful Mother and the opportunity to give life and be a mother myself as well. Whatever it is meant for me to give birth to!

I LOVE YOU MOM!  ❤️

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Where is this freaking self-love coming from?

How many times did you ask yourself that question?

I did at least a million times.

I saw all these beautiful posts, mantras, affirmations, illustrations, quotes, poems, books and posters, and all I did was nodding my head and repeating after them – ‘oh yes, yes, I know… yes, I love myself, yes, I care about myself’ – over and over again.

Oh gosh, how they didn’t resonate with me.

Oh gosh, how they didn’t sound familiar to me at all.

The more I immersed myself into it, the more frustrated I was getting.

What is all about that self-love?

How one can freaking actually love themselves?

It simply didn’t click at all.

I felt at times, like either my mind didn’t get it, or I did something wrong, or simply – self-love doesn’t exist. It was all blurry-type of marketing fame and that was it all.

I was actually right, at least with the first part of my statement. My mind didn’t get it because self-love is not mind’s job. Period!

Honestly, anytime my mind started spinning its chatter, I seriously needed to seat with it and make sure it shuts up so I could do my thing.

I was also right with the second part of my statement, that I was doing something wrong.

I was actually doing everything upside down, and all over again. I got myself in such a bundle of wires and knots that there was no way to see it through. I got to that point that I needed to scream loud to ask for help. I was doing all of it wrong, including self-help tools I intenden to use.

Self-love is the easiest thing ever if we let it be!!!

Self-love, as the name indicates, comes from within. WITHIN!

Read that again. From inside of you!

It doesn’t come from artificial affirmations which someonetold us to use, and you have no clue even how to embody them.

Self-love doesn’t come from a million self-care practices, amazing spa weekends and red roses.

Self-love doesn’t come from being needy and expecting others to make you happy. How unfair is that!

So where is it coming from, huh?

Here is my answer:

I was looking for self-love in money and a great job. And it didn’t show up. I was looking for it in validation, cuddles and external love from boyfriends and it didn’t show up either. I was looking for it even in the healthy lifestyle industry, by being fit, eating well, looking sexy, desired and admirable…. Well, it didn’t show up in there as well.

The more I was ‘looking’ for, the more I was discovering that it may actually not exists.

The beautiful self-love, that one I truly desired, and wanted to be a part of my life, was nowhere to be seen.

How did I want the self-love to show up in my life?

  • I wanted to be depression-free so I could have life purpose to get up every day.
  • I wanted to be suicidal-thoughts-free so I could appreciate the gift of life.
  • I wanted to be bulimia-free so I could be grateful for the body which did so much for me every day.
  • I wanted to be self-hatred-free so I could freaking finally love myself.

Purely. Unconditionally. Confidently. Authentically. Joyfully.

It came to me.

It came in a form I would have never expected.

Oh, how sad and mad, frustrated and angry, disappointed and upset I was.

And at the same time, how relieved I felt. How happy, truly, purely, authentically and joyfully happy!

It came in the form of the love from WITHIN.

❤ The moment when I cried feeling sadness, but I sat with it to understand why I was sad.

❤ The moment when I was alone with myself and stayed there to experience who I was.

❤ The moment when I joyfully danced and jumped in the park knowing that this made my heart smile.

❤ The moment when saying ‘NO’ was a blissful experience.

❤ The moment when I saw my depression as a cry of my soul to be loved and appreciated.

❤ The moment when the most important relationship I wanted to nurture was with myself first.

❤ The moment when my childhood abuse memories were coming back and I thanked them for showing up.

❤ The moment when I rebuild the connection with my Inner Child and saw her pain caused by me.

❤ The moment when looking at my naked body wasn’t filled with willingness to self-violate anymore.

❤ The moment when I was literally apologizing for every part of my body for abusing it for so long.

❤ The moment when I got my first period after over 15 years of faking it and getting rid of.

❤ The moment when I enjoyed being braless because I finally loved my femininity.

❤ The moment when I became a friend with my pain, weakness and mistakes – being grateful for their teachings.

❤ The moment when I literally could touch, smell and even taste my own blood knowing that this is freaking me.

And that will be me. Until I die.

Did I want to treat myself and my Inner Child in the abusive way as I was abused in my past?

Did I want to waste my body, my soul and heart because I didn’t see it as it ‘should be’?

No. Not anymore.

I understood.

That was me. That is me. Whole. Unique. Myself. With my ebbs and flows. With my vulnerabilities and superpowers. Enough. Loved. Joyful.

Me. My body, my cycle, my blood, my creative being!

Me. Naked. Dancing. Braless. Beautiful. Blissful. Sad and happy.

All of it and even more. ME.

This is a pure love I was longing for all my life!

It came to me!

And I was ready for her!

I want to express here the deepest gratitude that most of it wouldn’t be obtained without the help of amazing coaches and mentors I had on the path to rediscovering myself and ‘finding’that love which was truly always here, within. With some of them, I worked in person, being a part of their programs and tribes, and some of them impacted me very powerfully via their books, materials, podcasts and self-expression viadifferent platforms. 
Zlata Sushchik, Melinda Collins, Samantha Skelly, ElizabethDiAlto, Claire Baker, Danielle LaPorte, Gabby Bernstein, Red School with Alexandra Pope & Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer as the founders, Lisa Lister, and many more I haven’t listed, yet being so empowering on the journey to my own femininity.

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

Let’s talk about personal responsibility.

The definition of ‘responsibility’ by Merriam-Webster Dictionary is the quality or state of being responsible and having moral, legal, or mental accountability.

When it comes to the responsibility of others and other things in our lives, we actually know the best how to do that.

However, when it comes to personal responsibility, there is an uncomfortable silence in the crowd. It’s either because people may not know what is that exactly, or – what I found very interesting – they don’t want to take that type of responsibility on.

And this is where the personal responsibility asks for the attention!

So, let’s start from the beginning. What is that personal responsibility, how can you be fully responsible for yourself and how is this going to impact your life?

What is the personal responsibility?

As the name states already, it the responsibility you take for yourself, your attitude, actions, reactions, words and anything you do towards others and yourself.

It is also the responsibility for your emotionality, life experiences, choices, energies, communications, language, boundaries, and self-work.

Sounds like a lot of responsibilities. Right?

And that makes you a loving, kind, compassionate and caring human being.

How can you be fully responsible for yourself and your life?

Being responsible fully for yourself is a daily practice of self-awareness and self-compassion. It requires you to be mindful of your actions, behaviors or emotions in a way that you take full responsibility for anything you commit to do or follow, and anything that comes out of it.

As my mentor, Elizabeth DiAlto, says, “check yourself before you wreck yourself”.

Pay attention to what’s coming up for you personally as you interact with others. Stop, breath in and revisit it before you destroy the party and everyone’s moods including your own.

Don’t project your emotions and energies onto others before you check-in with yourself first. It’s always best to ask rather than assume or read into what people are saying or doing.

If something triggers you, take a moment (or many moments) to be with your own emotions before responding. Being charged usually doesn’t serve good communication.

Be committed to your choices. Be fully aware that those were your own choices and nobody forced them onto you.

As I always say, “it is nobody’s business to make you happy’. Be aware of what makes you happy and what doesn’t and take responsible actions to feel what you want to feel.

Don’t blame the external world for the chaos and storms in your internal world. Rather give yourself space and time to see what are your emotions trying to tell you and how could you work on it with self. Most of the chaos in the outside world we create by not managing our internal chaos.

Create healthy boundaries where you can grow, blossom, nurture yourself and be true and authentic, so that others can benefit from it as well. Boundaries are important for healthy relationships with others and yourself.

How is this going to impact your life?

Oh, big times!!!!

First, the feeling of self-awareness of your needs wants and triggers creates an amazing tool for self-work.

Second, seeing that you are the creator of your life, day by day, gives you back the power you have within.

Third, knowing that your choices, actions, and behaviors impact you the same as others allow you to take care of them with love and compassion.

Fourth, you become the person you truly wanted to be: aware, calm, responsible, compassionate, loving, caring, aligned, light and happy!

PROMPT: How do you take a personal responsibility in your life now?

[The teachings in this blog come from my book “The True Identity” – publishing early 2019]

My daily rituals of self-care

I get asked more often what I do during my morning and evening routines. I get curious questions about what makes me feel grounded, rested, taken care of and recharged for my day to come. Many mysterious pictures of my ‘rituals’ on my social media platform bring more attention than ever.

What are the self-care practices of a busy and successful woman, and a life, love and spiritual coach?

Let me start by defining what actually self-care is. In my book “The True Identity” [publishing in Summer 2018] this is a big part of the process towards rediscovering your true potentials and authentic self. How come, some of you may ask?

Self-care is not limited to this what the modern world is assuming is enough and considered necessary. Massage, face mask, the visit to the spa or hot springs, haircut or manicure are some of the most practiced ones. How little of the actual self-care is that, though.

Self-care is the care of ‘self’, as the phrase says by itself.

The ‘self’ consists of the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical component.

Taking care of your physical body only is not enough for the well-being of the ‘self’. The new haircut won’t make you feel rested, recharged, beautiful inside and out and confident without the care of your self-talk, attitude, daily affirmations, thinking process, actions and connection to the higher ‘self’. There is much more into feeling nurtured and energized than a manicure. There is a way more beautiful way to feel worthy without an expensive weekend at the spa resort.

The total self-care must consist of the actions and practices towards nurturing all aspects of the person you are. Anybody of you can list right now plenty of things to do to take care of your physical body. However, what can you do to take care of your mental, emotional and spiritual ‘self’ today?

My rituals and routines

Every day, I start my day with washing my face with cold water, while giving myself a pep talk with plenty of positive affirmations and mantras. Then I prepare a tea and a water with apple cider. I drink them during my morning, as I don’t eat breakfast earlier than noon.  Sometimes I play some relaxing music during that process, sometimes I am in silence listening to birds outside.

Then I proceed to my sacred space, which is a little corner in my room, with my white meditation pillow, altar, and all magical tools. The space you want to create (altar, tools, pillow, candles, incense etc.) is purely personalized. You make your space and place the way you want. Don’t let anybody tell you what MUST be there and what not, it is your own calling, taste and creation of what you want to have in your sacred space. Make it cozy, comfortable and pretty. Use it as an expression of yourself.

I burn the candles and incense, I meditate (whatever style I feel like doing), and I do breathe work. There is no time limit for me unless I have other obligations to do afterward. But those don’t stop me from doing it at all or don’t make me rush as well. I set the intention each time to just be and to ground myself so I can go into a day and show up fully. That way the practice, no matter if it’s just 5 minutes or 30 minutes, is beautiful, relaxing, grounding and opening my mind and heart to whatever day brings.

After that I journal. I journal what my meditation brought up. I journal every day the gratitude, my blessings, and abundance.

I also draw the card from whatever card deck I am called to, either tarot or oracle cards. I love them and I have pretty big and beautiful collection of them. I play with them at any time I feel like. In the morning if I have a question, or I am concerned or wondering what to do that day. During the day when I want to have a little break between clients or activities, so they take my mind away from the worldly concerns and bring me back to the present, to the art they display or messages they show me. They are my personal tools to ground me and bring awareness to the beauty around.

 

During a day I make sure I have frequent breaks. I work with people, outside of the house and from the house so it could be very demanding to be on the go all the time and then not have a break. It may sound luxury and many of you will tell me that I am lucky having a possibility for a break. I created that myself, so you can do as well. I needed to because the hustle and constant work were bringing me closer to burn out rather than to being productive and loving what I do. I love my job and I want to show up fully energized and positive to it.

Breaks give me a little breather and benefit to recommit to myself and be more focused afterward. During my breaks, I can do some of the following: a little walk, water the plants in the garden, listen to motivational video or relaxing music, play with the tarot cards, get a snack, take a power nap, stretch, dance or text a friend.

Many times, I simply do nothing and I found that the best practice ever. I lay down on the floor and just stare at the ceiling. I don’t think and I am just breathing and being. I love this simple, free tool to reset! Try it yourself! It is extremely powerful!

 

In the evening my time is shorter, as I am more tired and I want to make sure I get 7 hours (or more) of sleep a night. I journal on how my day was, what and how I felt, on some realizations, some reflections and gratitude. I don’t start and finish a day without a gratitude. That is a big part of my routines.

Sometimes I have time to meditate, but if I don’t I simply reset by seating still and getting few deep breaths in and out. Many times, I do that in a bed too, finished by a simple “Thank you for today’s day”. That makes my day perfectly finished and beautiful, despite the circumstances.

In the evening there is time for me to read a book, though. Reading a book is a major part of my mental and personal development.

 

As you can see, all four aspects of the ‘self’ are being covered by my daily routines.

 

Anybody can do that, including YOURSELF! It is totally workable and doable. It may require some reorganization and arrangement around your day, shortening some activities or getting up 15 minutes earlier, but it is totally manageable.

 

If you would like to get some help with that, let me know. I help women with not only finding the sacred time for themselves but most importantly with finding who they truly are and what they actually want from life! Is it a boyfriend and husband, or a business, or maybe creating boundaries with their families? Whatever it is that you need to become the true and unlimited version of yourself, I can show you how!! Simply replay to this blog via comments or hit the email address below and connect with me.

izabelamch@gmail.com

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

 

 

DANDELION

so elegant and graceful

letting the sunshine flow through you

 

so beautiful and attractive

spreading the love with your little wings

 

so light and free

sending the joy by your  little angels

 

so delicate and vulnerable

yet embodying your powerfulness

 

so transparent and authentic

sharing your beauty in the world

Dandelion is the best representation and embodiment of the values which I share with the world in my transformational, spiritual and empowering work. The values that I had in my mind while writing my book. The values that I keep in my mind when I am creating the content for you. The values which are embedded in my soul when I am serving you. The values which warm my heart every time when I share love and care with you.

 

This beautiful plant and flower express the deepest set of my values which I would love for you to be the embodiment of yourself, too.

 

Vulnerability and delicateness

Transparency and forgiveness

Authenticity and openness

Gracefulness and elegance

Freedom and spaciousness

Alignment and peacefulness

Lightness and softness

Beauty and gentleness

Powerfulness and unlimitedness

Calmness and stillness

Love and energy

Uniqueness and wholeness

Value and worthiness

 
I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤