Through bulimia to self-discovery

 

I was bulimic.

I hated myself.

 

Every day, I could see all the ads on self-love and overcoming eating disorders. Women of all sizes loving themselves.

‘How do they do that?’ – I asked myself every time.

 

‘What’s that hype about self-love?’

‘How does it work?’

‘What does it actually mean?’

‘How does that even feel to love oneself?’

 

I felt like I would learn the Chinese language faster than loving myself. I couldn’t picture the day when I could possibly like myself, all of it, the body, the mind, the life I had, all of it! I had an extremely hard time imagining this feeling.

 

I expected it to feel lightning, freeing, even fulfilling. Possibly expanding. Oh goodness, what should I do to maybe – just maybe – one day love myself? For just a minute, so I could experience that unconditional love to myself.

 

And…

that day came.

It was another extreme day with bulimia. Three times purging left my body weak again. It wasn’t new to me; it shouldn’t be new to my body either. The weakness kept me from being able to hold even a book. I felt exhausted. I felt tired. All I sensed was a pain in my stomach, a stabbing headache, and burning eyes. I couldn’t cry anymore.

I sat on the bed and looked in the mirror. I saw myself, overwhelmed, tired, and in pain. My skin was grey, my eyes were matte. There was not a single sign of life in me. A smile was foreign to my face. Joy was long forgotten. Compassion, kindness, and love didn’t exist.

I had no self-love.

I wanted to rip my skin. I hated my body badly. The hate in my eyes was the worst I have ever seen. I have never hated anyone in my life as I did myself right then, not even my abusive father.

That was a typical day for me, since I was a teenager, until…

 

A breath of my soul surfaced. A tiny tap on my shoulder told me to ask for help. I had no clue what to ask for, or how someone could help me.

 

But deep in my guts, I knew I won’t handle this anymore by myself. Deep down there I felt little voice asking me to seek help. That scared voice wanted me just to try, one more time. Ask!

‘I can’t do that anymore. Please help me, whoever is out there, please. I need help!!!” – I whispered.

 

And I went to bed.

Next couple of days were very ordinary. Today I know they were very special. Things felt on my lap unexpectedly. Not even remembering how and when anything happened, I was already filling in the application for the life coaching program.

 

I trusted.

The day when I had a call with the program coach, I knew that no matter what would I need to pay for it, or what effort would I need to make, I was already in. That was my chance! That was my help! That was the answer!

 

I trusted!

I started with learning about presence. Putting myself in the present moment to ‘just be’ was at first uncomfortable, yet interesting. I tried to meditate already two years before, but now the practice took me on a totally different path. I felt anxious, but I enjoyed it, more and more.

A connection between my body and mind started to emerge. I started asking my body what it likes to do and how it feels. Feeling into the visceral ‘yes’ and ‘no’ was a huge fun. I felt like a kid who just found a toy in the sandbox.

I began to recognize that it is okay to feel. Emotions were like clouds, they would come and they would pass. They didn’t identify me. I had never felt so relieved. I knew that it was safe for me to express my feelings. I tested it even in my daily life and it worked. I was so excited!

I was able to create a relationship between pain and joy, hurt and kindness, abuse and playfulness, anxiety and compassion, and fear and trust. What a combination. What a discovery – the pain was here for me to heal. The pain was here for me to learn. Triggers and fears were my teachers! At this point, I knew my life was already changed. I felt heavenly amused.

Being alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings was extremely transformational. Being alone was nurturing. Focused breath work was recharging. All those tools I had with me, all the time, and I never knew how to tap into the source and use them. I was capable of being, dreaming, loving, and forgiving.

It was exciting and anxious at the same time as I connected to my Inner Child. Memories from my abusive childhood were readily accessible, yet very scary. I blocked my memories from early age. Once I started discovering them, I wanted to run away at first.

I was in a huge pain seeing the hurt and pain of my mom and siblings. I was angry at my dad. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I couldn’t focus or meditate. I cried day after day. Forgiveness of him didn’t feel accessible, yet I knew in order for me to disconnect from the past I needed to let it go.

However, through that work, my patience and acceptance of those events and emotions had grown. I started healing. I realized that forgiveness would provide me with lightness, freedom, empowerment and unlimited beautiful energy.

So, I proceeded and I succeeded. I was very proud of myself to look into my dad’s eyes and not feel hate toward him anymore. I was so happy. I knew I can love unconditionally, even abuser of my childhood. I felt compassion like never before.

 

I felt reborn as a woman and Goddess, too. I became a woman who suddenly felt her body, sensed her emotions, desired sexual pleasure, expressed her true voice, exuded confidence and sensuality. I shifted from hating every inch of my body, vagina, and breasts to wanting to be naked. I wanted to dance, make love, and touch myself. I wanted to connect to every part of my body and express my love.

 

A little tap on my shoulder on that day started a beautiful and magical process of rediscovering my true self and uncovering my femininity. Vulnerability and sensuality became my superpowers.

 

There is a helpful hand waiting for you. You just need to ask for it and be open to receiving it.

Ask for it because you deserve it.

Ask for it because your voice, gifts and Inner Child deserve to speak up and live the beautiful life of alignment and lightness!

 

Be the love and light for yourself!  Be YOU!

❤️

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I am not enough! I am unworthy! I hate myself. IS THAT YOU?

I am happy for you today, though!

WHY? Hear me up!

As a beYOUtiful coach, I help women committed to finishing their struggle with any relationships in their lives; the romantic ones, the job-related ones, the family ones and the most important one, the relationship with themselves and their bodies.

I work with women who:

  • Don’t believe in themselves
  • Lost their worthiness
  • Feel that they are not enough
  • Are feeling tired of pleasing others
  • The worry of what others will say
  • Are afraid of judgment and rejection
  • Are feeling lost in their own lives
  • Have no clue who they are
  • Have no idea what they want to do
  • Can’t imagine how to move on
  • Are struggling with self-hate and self-love
  • Who has fear of not being loved
  • Have enough of the situation they are in
  • Who can’t imagine they may be successful.

Is this YOU?

When I started seeing that women who reached out to me were seeking the freedom, the lightness and alignment with themselves, feeling totally lost, miserable and stuck in their recent lives, I couldn’t help but interact with them.

I couldn’t help but hear their deep cries!

I wanted to find out what makes a woman, so many of us, feel unworthy, not enough, with no energy, drive, and motivation, despite the fact that every single of you could tell me today your dreams.

What makes you feel hateful towards yourself?

Why don’t you like your body, your actions, yourself?

Why don’t you see who you are?

Why don’t you believe you could write a book, run a company, have a loving partner and family, be happy as a single woman, or have plenty of non-toxic friends?

I hear you telling me:

  • ‘I hate myself, I can’t see myself in the mirror’
  • ‘I hate my body and how I look like’
  • ‘I can’t possibly do that’
  • ‘I am not enough’
  • ‘I never could do that so what does it make you feel I could now?’
  • ‘I am not smart enough’
  • ‘I don’t have resources to start up my business’
  • ‘I always date bad guys’
  • ‘I am not meant to have a family’
  • ‘My parents told me that I will never succeed’
  • ‘I am not confident at all and never will be’
  • ‘There is no way anybody can see me as attractive’
  • ‘I dieted all my life, I hate my body for what it does and how does it look like’
  • ‘I am so ashamed of myself’
  • ‘I can’t get naked in front of my partner’
  • ‘How can I love myself?’
  • ‘I never knew who I am actually’
  • ‘I need to always take care of others first and I have no time for myself’
  • ‘I don’t deserve that’
  • ‘I was always told to not be seen or speak up’.

 

I hear you!

I feel your pain!

I see your situation!

I imagine the struggle!

 

I am sad seeing the enormous beauty in every single of you, yet you hate herself.

I am sad seeing the strength in you, yet you feel totally weak.

I am sad seeing the opportunities for you, yet you don’t believe in yourself.

I am sad seeing the attractiveness in you, yet you feel unworthy of love.

I am heartbroken seeing you being stuck in the life you don’t even know how it happened.

I am sad because I know how that feels; being lost, self-hateful, heart-broken, abused and used, and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It didn’t feel freeing at all. It didn’t feel empowering at all. It didn’t feel like there is anything in this life for me.

 

However, I am happy because I freaking know how much energy, power, strength, drive, and motivation you have.

I am happy because I know deep inside you are simply done with being where you are.

I am happy because I see the spark inside of you which just waits to be ignited.

I am happy because I know you are READY NOW!

I am happy because I know there is a way out for you!

There is the way out!!!!

 

This is your deepest SELF simply talking to you NOW.

This is the message from the Spirits, Divine, Universe and all Gods just for YOU!

 

beYOUtiful lady, you are ready!!!

Type “I am ready” and let’s rock this new life together!

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

 

P.S. beYOUtiful is ‘cooking’ something behind the scene. Her scientific mindset creeps in and she is so eager to experiment, create some mysterious mixtures and magical nectars. The vibrations in her ‘lab’ are powerful. The outcomes seem to be more and more beautiful. The mission is to bring to the surface unbelievable colors of the matter which is called ‘The True Identity’.

What is going on in there?

What’s behind the scene?

The energy created by the high vibrations of preparing something so beautiful and gentle, powerful and free, is giving me the biggest joy, I have ever experienced.

 

Step by Step… [The Emotional and Mental Memoir from Ultra Beast Spartan Race]

This is not a recap of an Ultra Beast Race. You can read those elsewhere. This is a mental and emotional piece about somebody’s inner world.

This is not a blog with ideas and tips on how to train. It is not about how to eat and prepare for one of the toughest obstacle endurance races. This is an expression of a soul screaming after facing an unknown field of defeat and disqualification.

The “Ultra Beast Spartan Race” is one of the longest obstacle races in the OCR series. What does that mean for an overachieving athlete like me? It means there is going to be a mental challenge. It inevitably leads to the question of “to be or not be” in the game.

 

Weeks before….

In the weeks leading up to that moment, I often found myself overthinking and over-analyzing the upcoming race. Of course, this would be interspersed with moments of calmness, and times of not thinking about the race at all. As a professional athlete, business owner, and life coach, I have learned firsthand how overthinking will never result in anything good. It only leads to fear, stress and demotivation. Overanalyzing is even worse; it creates an overpowering fear of losing control. I am the last one to predict the weather, the course, the obstacles, and most importantly: to predict my own body’s reaction and feelings.

I find it very relaxing to not think about the race at all. Yes, “spacing out” can irritate the ones who love you most. But guess what? I love spacing out. I bask in the moments when I allow the universe to think on my behalf. I love not knowing what the future may hold. I love to be at peace, doing what I do every day: eat healthy, train hard, stretch, rest, and sleep.

 

The night before….

That day before the Ultra Beast was one of the most serene days of my life. All my work was done. I was up to date on updating my clients’ plans. Everything was taken care of. The trip was planned, I had checked the weather. Even the last-minute gels had been purchased and packed. I was ready.

I decided to go on a walk. I was fully present. I looked up at the sky to see the stars, ever grateful for that precious moment! Silence is the best medicine for me before such a race.

Every professional athlete takes time to just sit with their own thoughts.

I shut down all the voices and all the stress.  This is the best anyone can do the night before a big race!

 

On race day….

Morning brought silence. With a carbed-up breakfast and mental focus, I knew what I wanted most in that moment. I thought: There is nothing else but me.

Me, the way I am now. Completely present, two hours before the start. Me, the most athletic, the best prepared, the healthiest person. I can face the unknown. All will be good, because I will take it step by step.

I did everything within my power, right? I am the strongest I could possibly be, right? I prepared every single detail for this race, right? Yes, I did.

Let’s do this!

 

The Race….

Start, slow start…

I relinquished my inner-will to chase the rest of the competitors. I kept repeating: “Pace yourself”. It soon became my mantra for the race.

“When the breathing peaks up, all I do is pace myself.”

Suddenly, I recalled everything I ever read or heard about the importance of breathing. How successful of a tool it is for stress management. Was I stressed? Not particularly, but I was very focused. I wasn’t going to let any breathing struggles get in my way. “You got this” and “keep going” was mentioned frequently by those passing me.

Yes, my legs keep moving step by step. “There is no other way but forward” my mind exclaims. “You got this, beYOUtiful!” I said to myself, as I approached a steep hill.

Step by step. I removed any thoughts about the obstacles that were ahead of me.

“That is the next step, let me focus on the uphill right now.”

I relinquished all care about the future. I knew that all I had to focus on was my next step. I had brief bursts of energy, helping me refocus, recharge.

Suddenly, I was battling an obstacle. My mind went blank. I swiftly reminded myself that I was moving forward. In my mind, “burpee” became synonymous with “obstacle”. I thought: “I will not allow ‘burpees’ to disturb my stubborn Taurus personality.”

Do you remember saying from the movie, “Dori”?

“Just keep swimming.”

Exactly. Keep moving. Keep swimming. Keep running!

 

Suddenly, my body was telling me something….

Was it a pinch in the knee? I tried to decipher the feeling. “Listen knee, we have a second lap to do. We’ve got this. Just cooperate with me and stop fighting, ok?”

As the miles added up, I felt my body in places I wasn’t expecting. I tried to reassure myself. I had never had issues with my ankles and knees before.

“Let me change the way I run. Let’s try to slow down and let refocus on the course. I know my body, all will be fine.”

As I made it through another obstacle, I thought, “That was easy, which means I’m a badass! Even the cold doesn’t bother me as much as others that I am slowly passing. Wow, I prepared really well.”

I had just finished facing the biggest fear of my life. Swimming didn’t kill me physically, but it broke me mentally.

As I plunged in to the icy water, I tried to my best to have a positive mindset. But, unfortunately, the panic attack was stronger.

“That’s ok, it’s in the past. Let’s do burpees and move on. I’ve got a second lap to do and I need to have a serious conversation with my body parts.”

 

Downhill…

I know the difference between pain and discomfort. I have an incredibly high pain tolerance. But this pain was excruciating.

“Knee, please, please don’t do this to me now. Why are you actually hurting? I’ve been so kind to you. I’ve been pacing myself this entire time.”

My pace began to slow.

Still, I moved on, step by step. But I felt it. No, it wasn’t pain. It was fear, creeping in to my thoughts. I had worked so hard on letting my fear go, just days before the race.

“Go away!!!!”

As I pictured my ligaments tearing and visualized tripping and rolling down this hill, my inner self shouted “NO, NO, NO!!!”

But I’m stubborn. The overachiever, the badass, the winner.

 

I had to decide….

The pain became unbearable. Do you know those pain scales in the hospital, with “1” being the best and “10” being the worst? I was at a 9, maybe 10, and it brought tears to my eyes. It was so intense that I could barely hold my focus as I limped. A fight between my inner-worlds ensued.

“Didn’t you accomplish 12 hours of the brutal Hurricane Heat event? Do you remember what you were telling yourself there? Yes, so keep repeating: step, step, step, step. Don’t think about giving up. Just: step, step, step, step. Shut up and move on. Step, step, step. This is your dream. Step, step, step. This is your life. Step, step, step.”

I couldn’t take another.

“Please don’t do that to me! Don’t fade, please. I can go, I can move….”

Having to give away your inner power hurts more than any knee ever could. I had to decide to let my partner continue through the race without me. I felt like I let myself down, and I had never envisioned this would happen!

 

Afterwards….   

I felt empty, I felt lost, I felt disempowered. I had lost myself somewhere on the 15-mile mark.

Someone else must have decided to DNF on my behalf. It was not the Izabela I know. She never gives up. She never whines. She never uses pain as an excuse! The Izabela I know lives by the saying: “be comfortable with uncomfortable”. It was someone other than me that decided to quit. I know I could’ve gone on and finished it!

But no, continuing with that pain wouldn’t have been possible.

The Izabela I know is also caring of herself and others. She is supportive. She inspires and motivates herself and other. She might be unstoppable, but she also knows when it’s time to practice self-care. She may have the strength to break ice, but she also knows how to melt ice with self-love. She knows that dreams do come true. They just come true during the right time, at the right place.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

….. step by step ……

Survival Mode…..

….I wasn’t born in this country, I have lived in many other countries, I moved eighteen times, I was sexually and mentally abused and I can’t have kids…. and many of those things seems to be nothing to other’s problems….

Depression, anxiety…. Survival Mode!

 

Survival Mode when I am waking up every day, even though I don’t want because I am afraid of that day, of the future in two minutes, of the person hurting me or rejecting me!

Survival Mode when I tell myself that all will be good, all will work, and today will be a beautiful day – even though I see clouds and I see struggle, because I may not be able to smile today!

Survival Mode when I say I am fine, but all I think is to disappear and never come back!

Survival Mode when I call my mom and tell her that I love her and I am doing so well, I just may need some help to pay rent or bills!

Survival Mode when I know that conversation was a lie and all I want is to kill myself…. only because of her I am not doing it, she would never ever survive that…oh well, I would see her in the heaven then quickly after my attempt!

Survival Mode when words such you are awesome, you are inspiration, you are hardworking, you are kind and you will manage, mean nothing. Oh, they are the biggest lies I have ever heard…why even someone say them…stop it!

Survival Mode when suicide is so tempting, so attractive that I don’t even want to talk to others…being scared they may take away from me that biggest fun and dream!

Survival Mode when lack of motivation, dedication and drive is normal. Don’t people actually live like that their whole life? Why do I need to bother even?

Survival Mode when help is not needed, love is messed up, kindness is worthless, and integrity doesn’t exist… values, what are the values? Didn’t I already told you my biggest goal is to disappear?

Survival Mode when I regret Past, I don’t believe in Present and I am afraid of Future….

Survival Mode when life is not beautiful, life is never beautiful and everyone saying that is just making up the word….

 

Is there anything else?

Someone said, yes….

There is that life which is beautiful actually,

— the love which brings people together and connects those who needs each other,

— the sun which shines on our faces and smiles,

— the flowers and nature which blesses us every day with unconditional awesomeness.

❤ And the SELF which is so unusual, so amazing, so strong and resilient, so fearless and limitless, so powerful and capable of unimaginable.

 

#beYOUtiful

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

How to cleanse your soul through negative feelings?

My STRONG PERSONAL replay to the reaction on the post about being DOWN and MAD and SAD and HATEFUL….

 

“Do not think or act in a negative way because you are attracting negative energy”, “Be positive, everyone has problems so suck it up”, “you are beating yourself over it, don’t do that”. These expressions and others, and friends turning their back on you because you have a bad day and feel down so that means you are negative and NOBODY wants to be negative in this negative world on that negative social media timeline where everyone has problems and everyone is negative….

YOU KNOW WHAT? Take that “negative” word and put deep in the pocket and just stop seeing things as negative or positive, black or white!!!

My recent expression of being sad, mad, down and hateful towards myself brought up a lot of different responses from all my friends, dealing with sometimes extremely different life situations. YOU all have total right to feel that way, express yourself and BE YOURSELF.

Those reactions from others made me reflect a bit and now I want to tell you a little bit about it:

Yes, I was sad…. I was mad…. I was down and I was hateful towards myself. And I know I should be spreading love and smiles all day long every day, but THAT MORNING WASN’T FREAKING A GOOD MORNING!!! So what? THOSE WERE MY FEELINGS, and they were OK! I needed to express them out loud! I didn’t want to hold on them! I didn’t want to allow them to create my day, my attitude, my approach to other things which would follow after. And yes, I did want to changed them in a positive way into a positive outcome!!!

I KNEW ALL THESE THINGS!!! But, let me release it, let me be ME, allow to let those feelings go away…….

I am grateful for having those types of feelings, because they allowed me to learn how to recognize them, how to convert them in a positive way to create a great person, a great day and a great environment. I do love myself, I do believe in myself and I did forgive myself for that morning and for that moment of weakness and being down. I was just down!!!!

Hate is a strong word carrying lots of negative energy and I haven’t felt that for a long, long time. I was told by an amazing life coach to always love myself and forgive myself… but that didn’t happen that morning! Those strong emotions were deep inside of my soul…and whoever told me to stop and be kind and that my day will be bad because I am attracting the same emotions to me, was RIGHT…but somehow I couldn’t let go! I kept seeing those feelings as OK and at the same time as bad because “all my day will be bad” … and I didn’t want that….

As soon as I realized that, it popped out in my mind what another very powerful woman once said that negative feeling is OK!!!! OMG, are they really ok?

Yes, they are ok. WE ARE just HUMANS!!! We will have good days and bed days, we will feel happy, but we will also feel crappy. And that is OK!!! You as human being have right to feel bad, too. As soon as you recognize that feeling and you know that you don’t want to hold on them, it’s OK!!! Just do not let them create your world, your day, your attitude towards others and other things. It’s OK!!! I felt mad, and sad, I felt hate…it’s OK!!! I am just human! I forgive myself NOW!!!!

I promised myself that I will work around it and on it, but I will not promise myself it won’t happen again. Because I know negative feelings will happen, and I know those feelings are good, they are good in terms that they are cleaning whatever bad experiences and emotions accumulated in your body, mind, soul and heart. Just express them, let them be, recognize them, embrace them. Know, that they don’t belong to you. They are temporary. Let them sink in, do not fight them! Go back to your meditation, calming down habits and methods. Repeat: I WILL BE OK, I FORGIVE MYSELF!!!

PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED to sometimes be WEAK or make MISTAKES. And people are allowed to be different, it doesn’t make them “wrong” or “weird” …and even so…Yes, I can call myself weird, crazy, emotional, straightforward and to the point… and I can have bad feelings and down moment! That makes me just a better HUMAN because I know how to control them, how to work on them and how to make them work for me!

LESSON LEARNED: DO NOT go to bed with negative thoughts and negative mindset, do not go to face your day with negative thoughts and negative mindset. Take your time to shout out, cry out, calm down, journal, meditate, record your feelings, express your gratitude and self-love!!!

AND I am GRATEFUL for every single friend of mine who see me as perfect and imperfect person and they still love me, respect me, trust me, look up to me, appreciate me and be with me!!!

Its OK Izabelka !!

YOU got this beYOUtiful!!!! ❤