Where is this freaking self-love coming from?

How many times did you ask yourself that question?

I did at least a million times.

I saw all these beautiful posts, mantras, affirmations, illustrations, quotes, poems, books and posters, and all I did was nodding my head and repeating after them – ‘oh yes, yes, I know… yes, I love myself, yes, I care about myself’ – over and over again.

Oh gosh, how they didn’t resonate with me.

Oh gosh, how they didn’t sound familiar to me at all.

The more I immersed myself into it, the more frustrated I was getting.

What is all about that self-love?

How one can freaking actually love themselves?

It simply didn’t click at all.

I felt at times, like either my mind didn’t get it, or I did something wrong, or simply – self-love doesn’t exist. It was all blurry-type of marketing fame and that was it all.

I was actually right, at least with the first part of my statement. My mind didn’t get it because self-love is not mind’s job. Period!

Honestly, anytime my mind started spinning its chatter, I seriously needed to seat with it and make sure it shuts up so I could do my thing.

I was also right with the second part of my statement, that I was doing something wrong.

I was actually doing everything upside down, and all over again. I got myself in such a bundle of wires and knots that there was no way to see it through. I got to that point that I needed to scream loud to ask for help. I was doing all of it wrong, including self-help tools I intenden to use.

Self-love is the easiest thing ever if we let it be!!!

Self-love, as the name indicates, comes from within. WITHIN!

Read that again. From inside of you!

It doesn’t come from artificial affirmations which someonetold us to use, and you have no clue even how to embody them.

Self-love doesn’t come from a million self-care practices, amazing spa weekends and red roses.

Self-love doesn’t come from being needy and expecting others to make you happy. How unfair is that!

So where is it coming from, huh?

Here is my answer:

I was looking for self-love in money and a great job. And it didn’t show up. I was looking for it in validation, cuddles and external love from boyfriends and it didn’t show up either. I was looking for it even in the healthy lifestyle industry, by being fit, eating well, looking sexy, desired and admirable…. Well, it didn’t show up in there as well.

The more I was ‘looking’ for, the more I was discovering that it may actually not exists.

The beautiful self-love, that one I truly desired, and wanted to be a part of my life, was nowhere to be seen.

How did I want the self-love to show up in my life?

  • I wanted to be depression-free so I could have life purpose to get up every day.
  • I wanted to be suicidal-thoughts-free so I could appreciate the gift of life.
  • I wanted to be bulimia-free so I could be grateful for the body which did so much for me every day.
  • I wanted to be self-hatred-free so I could freaking finally love myself.

Purely. Unconditionally. Confidently. Authentically. Joyfully.

It came to me.

It came in a form I would have never expected.

Oh, how sad and mad, frustrated and angry, disappointed and upset I was.

And at the same time, how relieved I felt. How happy, truly, purely, authentically and joyfully happy!

It came in the form of the love from WITHIN.

❤ The moment when I cried feeling sadness, but I sat with it to understand why I was sad.

❤ The moment when I was alone with myself and stayed there to experience who I was.

❤ The moment when I joyfully danced and jumped in the park knowing that this made my heart smile.

❤ The moment when saying ‘NO’ was a blissful experience.

❤ The moment when I saw my depression as a cry of my soul to be loved and appreciated.

❤ The moment when the most important relationship I wanted to nurture was with myself first.

❤ The moment when my childhood abuse memories were coming back and I thanked them for showing up.

❤ The moment when I rebuild the connection with my Inner Child and saw her pain caused by me.

❤ The moment when looking at my naked body wasn’t filled with willingness to self-violate anymore.

❤ The moment when I was literally apologizing for every part of my body for abusing it for so long.

❤ The moment when I got my first period after over 15 years of faking it and getting rid of.

❤ The moment when I enjoyed being braless because I finally loved my femininity.

❤ The moment when I became a friend with my pain, weakness and mistakes – being grateful for their teachings.

❤ The moment when I literally could touch, smell and even taste my own blood knowing that this is freaking me.

And that will be me. Until I die.

Did I want to treat myself and my Inner Child in the abusive way as I was abused in my past?

Did I want to waste my body, my soul and heart because I didn’t see it as it ‘should be’?

No. Not anymore.

I understood.

That was me. That is me. Whole. Unique. Myself. With my ebbs and flows. With my vulnerabilities and superpowers. Enough. Loved. Joyful.

Me. My body, my cycle, my blood, my creative being!

Me. Naked. Dancing. Braless. Beautiful. Blissful. Sad and happy.

All of it and even more. ME.

This is a pure love I was longing for all my life!

It came to me!

And I was ready for her!

I want to express here the deepest gratitude that most of it wouldn’t be obtained without the help of amazing coaches and mentors I had on the path to rediscovering myself and ‘finding’that love which was truly always here, within. With some of them, I worked in person, being a part of their programs and tribes, and some of them impacted me very powerfully via their books, materials, podcasts and self-expression viadifferent platforms. 
Zlata Sushchik, Melinda Collins, Samantha Skelly, ElizabethDiAlto, Claire Baker, Danielle LaPorte, Gabby Bernstein, Red School with Alexandra Pope & Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer as the founders, Lisa Lister, and many more I haven’t listed, yet being so empowering on the journey to my own femininity.

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

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Let’s talk about personal responsibility.

The definition of ‘responsibility’ by Merriam-Webster Dictionary is the quality or state of being responsible and having moral, legal, or mental accountability.

When it comes to the responsibility of others and other things in our lives, we actually know the best how to do that.

However, when it comes to personal responsibility, there is an uncomfortable silence in the crowd. It’s either because people may not know what is that exactly, or – what I found very interesting – they don’t want to take that type of responsibility on.

And this is where the personal responsibility asks for the attention!

So, let’s start from the beginning. What is that personal responsibility, how can you be fully responsible for yourself and how is this going to impact your life?

What is the personal responsibility?

As the name states already, it the responsibility you take for yourself, your attitude, actions, reactions, words and anything you do towards others and yourself.

It is also the responsibility for your emotionality, life experiences, choices, energies, communications, language, boundaries, and self-work.

Sounds like a lot of responsibilities. Right?

And that makes you a loving, kind, compassionate and caring human being.

How can you be fully responsible for yourself and your life?

Being responsible fully for yourself is a daily practice of self-awareness and self-compassion. It requires you to be mindful of your actions, behaviors or emotions in a way that you take full responsibility for anything you commit to do or follow, and anything that comes out of it.

As my mentor, Elizabeth DiAlto, says, “check yourself before you wreck yourself”.

Pay attention to what’s coming up for you personally as you interact with others. Stop, breath in and revisit it before you destroy the party and everyone’s moods including your own.

Don’t project your emotions and energies onto others before you check-in with yourself first. It’s always best to ask rather than assume or read into what people are saying or doing.

If something triggers you, take a moment (or many moments) to be with your own emotions before responding. Being charged usually doesn’t serve good communication.

Be committed to your choices. Be fully aware that those were your own choices and nobody forced them onto you.

As I always say, “it is nobody’s business to make you happy’. Be aware of what makes you happy and what doesn’t and take responsible actions to feel what you want to feel.

Don’t blame the external world for the chaos and storms in your internal world. Rather give yourself space and time to see what are your emotions trying to tell you and how could you work on it with self. Most of the chaos in the outside world we create by not managing our internal chaos.

Create healthy boundaries where you can grow, blossom, nurture yourself and be true and authentic, so that others can benefit from it as well. Boundaries are important for healthy relationships with others and yourself.

How is this going to impact your life?

Oh, big times!!!!

First, the feeling of self-awareness of your needs wants and triggers creates an amazing tool for self-work.

Second, seeing that you are the creator of your life, day by day, gives you back the power you have within.

Third, knowing that your choices, actions, and behaviors impact you the same as others allow you to take care of them with love and compassion.

Fourth, you become the person you truly wanted to be: aware, calm, responsible, compassionate, loving, caring, aligned, light and happy!

PROMPT: How do you take a personal responsibility in your life now?

[The teachings in this blog come from my book “The True Identity” – publishing early 2019]

I got married!!!

I am married!!!

 

I am so excited to feel that emotions of being loved, accepted, supported and admired!

I am so excited knowing that I am all of the above for simply being myself.

 

Wait, wait…. Let’s reverse the tape here a bit!

 

I believe that in order to have a wonderful relationship with another person, you need to have a wonderful relationship with yourself. Period!

 

Yes, you read this right!

But what does that actually mean?

 

Let me share a story with you before I explain more.

I was single for almost 6 years after my divorce. I say single, because most of my relationships didn’t last longer than 6 months. There was one for 9 months separated by over 2,000 miles. And there were even some for not longer than 2 months. It felt crappier and crappier every single time. The more I tried, the shorter they last. The more I was looking for the ‘ideal’ man, the more abusive and controlling they appear. Nothing was working as I wanted. And all I wanted was to be loved. Ok, loved for being fully and authentically myself.

And that was the key to the Love Code.

I wanted to be loved for who I was.

Let me repeat that, I wanted to be loved for who I was. To my surprise, all my boyfriends loved me the same way as I loved myself.

BOOM!

 

The Love Code is right here.

In order for you to be loved the way you dream about, you need to love yourself in EXACTLY the same way.

 

  • You want to be treated like a queen. Do you treat yourself like a Queen?
  • You want to be respected in public places. Do you respect yourself, at home and in public?
  • You want to be told all beautiful compliments. Do you talk to yourself in a beautiful way?
  • You want to be supported. Do you support yourself to be the best version of yourself?
  • You want to be accepted for who you ar.? Do you judge and beat yourself?
  • You want to feel safe and protected. Do you feel safe with yourself, your emotions and flows?
  • You want that person to be loyal and trustworthy. Are you trusting yourself?

 

EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO YOU.

Whatever you ‘expect’ from the partner, it is something that you need to give it to yourself first.

Whatever you ‘need’ the partner to do for you, it is something you may need to do for yourself first.

Whatever requirements you need the partner to ‘meet’, it is something that may be missing within you and in your relationship with self.

Whatever the partner ‘shouldn’t’ be, most likely those are the triggers you may need to heal with yourself first.

 

You can’t expect another person to make you happy.

You can’t expect them to heal, repair and make shinier the things you are dealing with. It is your personal responsibility to create the most magical relationship with self, in order to attract the relationship with another person.

 

So, the end of my story is, that I stopped looking. However, I awakened, and I saw the pattern. There was something within me, on the outside of me, or radiating from me, that it was attracting men I truly didn’t want to date. I simply asked, ‘what is it, Izabela, that you need to take care of first?’

There was a lot of things and still is, because I am a human being, too. Broken – yes. But willing to repair it by myself first.

 

The moment things got clearer to me about how I loved myself, how I respected and treated myself, it was a moment when the magic happened.

 

“Relationships are a hard work.” – someone said.

They are, but truly that work is with yourself first!

 

Dig deep inside and find that key to your Love Code!

 

I want to share with you this simple task:

  • Write down all characteristics you would love your future and even recent partner to have. Be super specific, I mean it, super-duper specific!!!
  • Then read them one by one and ask yourself: “Do I give that to myself now?”
  • If the answer is yes, great! I am happy to hear that! Truly!
  • If the answer is no, mark it with a marker and move on to another one.
  • Once you finish your list, look at it.
  • How colorful is it? 30%, 50% or maybe 80% of the entire list?

Now, get to these colorful parts and start giving yourself first something that you expect from others to give it to you. It changes your life so much!!

 

Have fun with that!

 

And I really would love to see how you did with it. Share with me in comments below or on my social media (here and here). If you have any questions or struggle, PM me. I will be very happy to help you out!