The road to the unknown

 

One year ago, I was on the road from New Mexico to Wyoming. I was in a moving truck with all my life squeezed in there. Many things got sold or left behind, though. Material things didn’t have much meaning to me at this point in my life.

I didn’t know yet that soon my life was going to change totally!

And all I could do was to trust that all would be well.

I trusted so much that during the 12-hour drive I didn’t hesitate for a second about my decision. There was no single thought of turning back. I knew I was driving to a new me, to a new life, and to new experiences.

I trusted fully!

 

You may ask me, what has changed?

And this is my answer.

 

Depression is my history.

I recall being depressed and suicidal over the last 15 years, with some extreme ups and down. I never knew that in order for me to overcome this disorder I needed at first to feel safe – safe to be, safe to cry, safe to be down, safe to express what I feel!!! Once I felt the safety in every single cell of my body, the awakening came. I realized that I was loved for who I was because it felt safe. It felt loving, too.

The dark thoughts, self-doubts, and fearfulness may still be present – but the way I react to them today is a totally new game. I observe when they come, how they show up, how dark they are and how cloudy my brain gets – I see them and I refuse to let these experiences control my life.

Emotions are OK.

Pain is my superpower.

I accept it, I love it and I don’t push it away. I know they are all here to teach me how to be a better person every day.

I learned to rest and recharge instead of allowing darkness to overtake me.

I learned to take a nap, instead of going into a self-hateful thinking pattern.

I learned to journal or meditate when I am sad or in pain, so I can cry and cry and feel amazing about expressing all of it!

I learned to pause or even step back when it feels heavy.

I learned that it is only me who has a choice of either being happy or miserable.

So, I remind myself every day that I am loved, safe to express and be, beautiful and whole, worthy and freaking unstoppable. I trusted then and keep trusting today!

 

My personal growth journey went through so many huge shifts that one year ago none of it was even in my dreams.

I was battling severe bulimia, extreme panic attacks, and the biggest obsession over the weight, food and exercising and that saddened me. It felt like it would never end and that there is no hope. Yet, every single time I was experiencing any of it, I managed to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that there is a way out of it.

It was the hardest part of my entire journey – to believe and trust in something that logically didn’t seem like it was ever coming. I had no clue how that would look like or show up. But I knew I could be free of all of these things. I knew that many other women got there, so I could too!

I trusted, and that trust brought me to the freedom and the most beautiful life so far! Freedom from obsession over food or body-image, freedom from panic attacks, freedom from bulimia and freedom from the fear! I trusted then and keep trusting today!

 

The interpersonal communication and the way it’s done was a huge turn over in my life.

I was told by a few of my ex-partners that I don’t know how to love and how to communicate in the relationship. That’s why I believed that all my relationships didn’t work because I was a problem.

How mistaken I was. I allowed other’s insecurities and inabilities to be projected on me and I took it as my own stories and beliefs.

All I needed was to feel safe. Again, safety was my thing. Once I discovered that being safe is the happy place for me and my Inner Child, then the magic started pouring down from the sky.

Without a person who supported me on this journey by meeting me half-way, that wouldn’t be possible. Creating the safe, non-judgmental and open space for both of us allowed me to blossom. Once that started, I could show how loving and caring of a person I was.

After all, I never thought I could have a relationship like this – trustworthy, respectful, safe, loving, supportive, open and honest!

 

Acceptance of my emotionality, sensitivity, vulnerability, sensuality, and desires was a great step forward.

Oh well, let me tell you – those qualities never aligned with me – they felt weak, whiny, and not allowed in the big world of success. That girl was all about being powerful, never weak and never crying, strong and doing it all by herself!

Well, that is not true today and I am so glad to take that mask off and reveal the true person.

I felt like an outsider or from a different plant, as I called myself.

I could easily become distracted.

I could feel melancholy for no particular reason.

I could feel other people’s emotions intensely.

I could easily take on the mask of Wonder Woman or Femme Fatale to “fit in” in a society that hasn’t appreciated my intuitive ways.

I knew I was super emotional, with extreme waves even during a single day.

I am a nurturer, caregiver and I cry when I see bad things happening to any human being, including homeless or junkie.

I am sensitive as hell, and that is another superpower of mine.

And I freaking love that about me today. I don’t buy into the story of being too sensitive or PMS. I learned to be with all my emotions, the dark and light ones.

I learned to tap into my vulnerability and use it as the most creative and empowering tool I ever had. I decided to reconnect with my intuition and inner voice so I could be the truest version of myself.

 

The last, but not the least, is my rediscovery of the part of me which I managed to suppress for the longest – the femininity and woman in me.

I hated being a woman for most of my life. I wanted to have the testosterone to build muscles, I didn’t want to be a crybaby when someone hurt me, I wanted to be a buddy for most of my men friends, I wanted to be treated as a strong person. No vulnerability, sensitivity, tears or whining were allowed. I was happy for not having a period for most of my life while being on the pill. I used the PCOS diagnosis as a relief so I didn’t need to get pregnant. I wanted to hide my hips and breasts. OMG, I could list these things forever.

Today, that part of me seems to be the most mysterious, magical and hiding so much more to learn, express and live by.

Today I track my period which came back in January 2018. I am excited when I am bleeding because that means I am a woman, still or again, whichever way I look at it.

I am excited to be with the moon outside and soak in the energy of the beautiful Luna.

I am happy doing self-massage, dance to hot and sexual music or meditate naked to love every part of my body.

I would never imagine being at this point just a year ago!

 

Life is beautiful, with every single moment of it – either emotional and sad, or happy and joyful, either with heavy experiences or lightness and breakthroughs.

The number of gifts that life delivers to us within such a short time just like one year – it is truly beyond the imagination of the logical mind. Only the heart and soul can embrace that!

So, I do it, every single day. And I trust!

 

 

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THE UNIVERSE IS A FUNKY PLACE

“Everything that happens in your life

is the best possible thing that can happen to you”

– Chris Prentiss

Every single moment we have a choice to make.

Every single moment of our life is given to us.

The question is, what will you do with it?

 

GRATITUDE

— If you invited friends to a dinner and they didn’t show their appreciation, would you invite them again? —

Say thank you. Be gracious.

First and foremost, appreciate Yourself. Be grateful for the life you live. Show thanks for the world around you, for your loved ones. Don’t take your money or housing for granted.  Especially, be grateful for your feelings and emotions. Be mindful of your inner voice and instincts.

Appreciate your loved ones. Find amazement and joy in the little things, such as a smile, a kind gesture, or a hug. Be aware of the beauty around you.

Appreciate your friends and co-workers. They are in your life for a reason. Be mindful of what your life could be without them.

Appreciate the stranger. Discover the magic behind the “thank you” expressed as you walk past someone in the grocery store. Be amazed by how much impact simple courtesy can have.

Appreciate the Universe. Would you be who you are without all the moments and experiences? By expressing appreciation for what you already have, you open the doors to receive more.

 

Say and give THANK YOU to your life: moments, events, people, items and whatever else you are grateful for. Avoid the temptation to compare yourself to others.

 

WHERE TO BEGIN?

** Write every morning and evening what you are grateful for – be honest!

** Ask yourself why you are grateful– be honest!

** Ask yourself what you could do to make someone else happy – act!

** Ask yourself how you could best contribute to create a better tomorrow – act!

** Say thank you to both the stranger and your friends.

 

RESULTS:

By appreciating yourself and others, you will feel lighter and happier. It will provide the encouragement needed for facing any obstacle you may have during the day.

As your day progresses, by expressing appreciation, you will experience more love, more smiles, and kindness.

 

LOVE

Self-love is different than self-care. Sure, you can get yourself a nice haircut, manicure or treat yourself to a fancy dinner. These are all external.

Self-love is internal.

Light a candle in a secluded place. Feel the silence. Feel your body. Feel your anxieties. Feel your happiness. Feel your inner voice.

Just be, and just listen. Is it making you feel uncomfortable? This is part of the process. Your inner voice is sending you an important message. Whatever it is, be in that feeling.

Marinate in the feelings. Say them out loud, write them down, and read them again. Cry, smile, or dance if you must.

All emotions have a purpose. They are not bad or good, they each have a purpose.

It is the actions that we chose to take that becomes bad or good. When we attempt to escape or hide, it simply extends our pain.

 

MINDFULNESS TIPS

** Mediate first thing in the morning. Resist the temptation to grab your phone.

** Give yourself time during the day to breath, to “space out”, to day dream.

** Journal your emotions. Try your best to be a “neutral observer” and refrain from being critical and judgmental.

** Stay alert to all the good things around you.

 

RESULTS:

The more you take care of yourself, the more love you are able to spread.

The more you love yourself, the more compassion you will find.

The more you respect yourself, the more kindness will be in your presence.

 

INTENTION

What you choose to focus on…is it serving or hindering you?

Do you visualize your future as if it’s happening now?

Do you see yourself as a successful, happy, balanced and empowered woman?

The way you see yourself walking, feeling, reacting, living is what you will become.

Do you want to be anxiety-free? – imagine that lightness!

Do you want to be loved? – know that you are loved!

Do you want respect? – act that way!

Do you want to be debt-free? – picture that financial freedom!

Negative intentions will delay progress, positive ones will move you forward.

 

ACTION

** Practice affirmations every day by using the words “I am…”

** Believe and trust in yourself

** Honor and nourish potential

** Feel what it will be like to be your genuine, best self

** Appreciate the wonderful person you are now

 

RESULTS:

Manifest and create a vision of where you want to be. You will see it, feel it, and be there! Your soul will feel aligned and peaceful. The universe will send many cues your way. You will become who you so deeply desire to be!

Stay mindful of yourself what you are asking for. 😊

 

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

 

@ Photo by Kurt Tysver and http://www.highaltitudephotos.com/