The Moment

Just writing this here on Monday, in February 2019, to remember.

The morning when I woke up without alarm clock, on my own terms, after getting an amazing nine hours of full night sleep. I remember feeling rejuvenated, fresh and ready to embark on my day.

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The morning tea, which I made with a tint of gratitude for my own herbs, hot water and electricity to be able to make that water boiling. The smell of the mint tea, just like in my mini herbal garden, made me feel relaxed and excited to sip on it.

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The morning routine the bathroom, where while changing I could express deep and loving gratitude for my body. Knowing where I came from and how hateful I was towards that creation, made me extremely thankful today and put smile on my face.

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The natural, organic and herbal salve for my face, which smelled beautifully and made me content with how I am choosing my cosmetics for my precious skin and body. That moment made my soul happy, too.

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The journaling and tracking my body’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual qualities and seeing the pattern associated with my natural cycle. Just knowing that all nature, and me being part of it, lives in cyclical pattern, was very empowering.

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The morning breath, pause and movement, which brought me back to my body and to a present moment soothing my anxieties and stress. There would always be stress out there, but I knew that I could tap into trust and awareness at any time, that I have a choice and I could make it into a wonderful day.

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The content creating for my newsletter and my audience, where I truly could write with a full expression of myself and my voice, bringing into life powerful message that you all could resonate with and feel that are enough and worthy. This has been sparking my life since some time and I was beyond happy to do that.

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The music which could ease out any tense sensations, giving the opportunity for my hips to shake and move in any way they wanted. Engaging with it brought my body relief I craved since this morning, and other mornings, too.

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The workshop lead by life-changing, empowering and the most authentic woman I ever met, which created the space filled with energies of safety, openness and full expression of oneself. I couldn’t be more appreciative to be a part of such a circle.

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The meditation practice, when I could cry and smile, feel expansion and contraction, or sense stress and relief. During moments like that I know what trust, surrender and release is. During moments like that I know what self-love, compassion and gentleness is. Just being in that feeling when hurt is hurt and joy is joy, without overanalyzing, or putting labels of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Priceless.

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The silence where I could hear my thoughts, my heart pounding, and my deepest and rooted true authentic self. The silence so quiet that it could trigger others, but me. It put a gentle arm around me comforting me, soothing and nurturing my heart, enlightening my soul and bringing joy to my craving Inner Child.

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I want to remember that the more love and time and energy and attention and generosity and kindness I give to myself, the more those things are available to give to others. ❤️

It is safe for me to be ME!

❤️

❤️

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HOMESICK

One day I got homesick.

I haven’t seen my family, which is back in Europe, for almost 6 years. Due to many reasons, personal, professional, financial and other.

Today I got seriously home sick. I missed my Mom. I couldn’t stop crying, tears were dropping uncontrollably. They were releasing so much sadness. The deep longing for reconnecting to the woman who carried me in her womb, who raised me and who feels what I feel, was overwhelming.

It came suddenly, unplanned.

Yet, it was totally planned. Nothing happens without a reason. The Universe has its ways to communicate!

I don’t have kids. I wanted at some point in my life. But due to hormonal problems, such as PCOS, I knew I will either have difficulties to get pregnant or never be able to have kids. After trying for over one and a half years with my ex-husband, I gave up. In order for me to not get depressed, I convinced my mind and heart that it is ok. That I am sick and I can always enjoy the children in my family, among my friends and around me. I even volunteered for children mentorship organizations to fulfill what was missing in my life.

Whenever someone asked me about kids, my answer was very fast and straightforward: I don’t want to have kids. I won’t be a good mother and I believe I am being a more responsible person by not having them rather than giving them a bad example and a bad family.

The emotions about having one were scary, fearful, even to the point of being disgusted.

I also felt that I love my space.  I like living luxury life. I like being by myself. Kids would just destroy my beautiful, well organized environment which I could live by myself according to myself.

Recently, the situation in my relationship forced me to discuss the potential pregnancy with my fiancée. I am not sure why did I even ask about what we will do if that happens. I quickly concluded that I am having an abortion in that case. There is no space for a kid in my life. No, no, no.

Yet, the other day I wasn’t able to purchase a pregnancy test in the store. For the first time in my life all I could feel was my heart saying that all of it is in God’s and the Universe’s hands.

I came back home and I started crying.

Cried and cried, not knowing why at first.

I missed my mom!

I realized that I didn’t want to have kids, ever in my life, because I didn’t want them to hurt me as I hurt my mom.

I didn’t want them to leave me behind and abandon me as I did to my mom.

Since I was little, I knew my mission was to protect my mom. Protect her from my abusive dad. I saw her too often on the floor bleeding from kicks and punches from my dad. All I could do to protect her then was to make sure my younger siblings were quiet so my dad wouldn’t punish my mom even more. I knew I was helping her.

I was protecting her from abusive words during the family events, where my dad could call her a whore in front of hundreds of people. Her tears were my tears, her dishonored person was mine to carry.

I was protecting her every single time I could. And if there was a moment I couldn’t it was because I wasn’t present.

Then I left to college. I left her!

I left her in the place where there was no love for her. I left her with a person I deeply hated. I left her alone and weak, sad and depressed, yet so strong that she allowed me to go. With a smile on her face, eyes full of hope, body language expressing deep love and pain at the same time, she sent me to the outside world. That way I could go there and get an education and be an independent woman and a kind person to even my enemies, serve others and always forgive, as she forgave my father a long time ago.

How could she possibly do that?

How?

Because she is the strongest woman on this planet I have ever known.

Today, knowing how I hurt her, I know I don’t want to feel that hurt myself. I don’t want my kid to abandon me.

I don’t want my kid to tell me one day that she doesn’t want to live anymore. Because I did that, too, to my mom on my birthday, when she called me at the exact same time I was born 37 years earlier. I told her that I want to die, and I should have never been born.

I can just feel the sharp pain in her heart. Yet, she didn’t even move. She didn’t panic. She didn’t cry. That wonderful woman said words I will never forget.

‘Your birth gave me hope and it always will. So today I am telling you that there is hope! Stay with me baby girl and we both will make it work!’

– my MOM

So today I know that in order to love, forgive and live with hope, kindness, compassion and unlimited strength in my heart and soul, I need to feel pain, experience hurt and tears and keep moving. Through pain there is healing. Through pain I can become the true and authentic, loving and beautiful woman my Mom always wanted me to be. Just like her! And always loving my enemies! Just like her!

Today I am grateful for what I am being given, the wonderful gift of life, the wonderful Mother and the opportunity to give life and be a mother myself as well. Whatever it is meant for me to give birth to!

I LOVE YOU MOM!  ❤️

.

Through bulimia to self-discovery

 

I was bulimic.

I hated myself.

 

Every day, I could see all the ads on self-love and overcoming eating disorders. Women of all sizes loving themselves.

‘How do they do that?’ – I asked myself every time.

 

‘What’s that hype about self-love?’

‘How does it work?’

‘What does it actually mean?’

‘How does that even feel to love oneself?’

 

I felt like I would learn the Chinese language faster than loving myself. I couldn’t picture the day when I could possibly like myself, all of it, the body, the mind, the life I had, all of it! I had an extremely hard time imagining this feeling.

 

I expected it to feel lightning, freeing, even fulfilling. Possibly expanding. Oh goodness, what should I do to maybe – just maybe – one day love myself? For just a minute, so I could experience that unconditional love to myself.

 

And…

that day came.

It was another extreme day with bulimia. Three times purging left my body weak again. It wasn’t new to me; it shouldn’t be new to my body either. The weakness kept me from being able to hold even a book. I felt exhausted. I felt tired. All I sensed was a pain in my stomach, a stabbing headache, and burning eyes. I couldn’t cry anymore.

I sat on the bed and looked in the mirror. I saw myself, overwhelmed, tired, and in pain. My skin was grey, my eyes were matte. There was not a single sign of life in me. A smile was foreign to my face. Joy was long forgotten. Compassion, kindness, and love didn’t exist.

I had no self-love.

I wanted to rip my skin. I hated my body badly. The hate in my eyes was the worst I have ever seen. I have never hated anyone in my life as I did myself right then, not even my abusive father.

That was a typical day for me, since I was a teenager, until…

 

A breath of my soul surfaced. A tiny tap on my shoulder told me to ask for help. I had no clue what to ask for, or how someone could help me.

 

But deep in my guts, I knew I won’t handle this anymore by myself. Deep down there I felt little voice asking me to seek help. That scared voice wanted me just to try, one more time. Ask!

‘I can’t do that anymore. Please help me, whoever is out there, please. I need help!!!” – I whispered.

 

And I went to bed.

Next couple of days were very ordinary. Today I know they were very special. Things felt on my lap unexpectedly. Not even remembering how and when anything happened, I was already filling in the application for the life coaching program.

 

I trusted.

The day when I had a call with the program coach, I knew that no matter what would I need to pay for it, or what effort would I need to make, I was already in. That was my chance! That was my help! That was the answer!

 

I trusted!

I started with learning about presence. Putting myself in the present moment to ‘just be’ was at first uncomfortable, yet interesting. I tried to meditate already two years before, but now the practice took me on a totally different path. I felt anxious, but I enjoyed it, more and more.

A connection between my body and mind started to emerge. I started asking my body what it likes to do and how it feels. Feeling into the visceral ‘yes’ and ‘no’ was a huge fun. I felt like a kid who just found a toy in the sandbox.

I began to recognize that it is okay to feel. Emotions were like clouds, they would come and they would pass. They didn’t identify me. I had never felt so relieved. I knew that it was safe for me to express my feelings. I tested it even in my daily life and it worked. I was so excited!

I was able to create a relationship between pain and joy, hurt and kindness, abuse and playfulness, anxiety and compassion, and fear and trust. What a combination. What a discovery – the pain was here for me to heal. The pain was here for me to learn. Triggers and fears were my teachers! At this point, I knew my life was already changed. I felt heavenly amused.

Being alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings was extremely transformational. Being alone was nurturing. Focused breath work was recharging. All those tools I had with me, all the time, and I never knew how to tap into the source and use them. I was capable of being, dreaming, loving, and forgiving.

It was exciting and anxious at the same time as I connected to my Inner Child. Memories from my abusive childhood were readily accessible, yet very scary. I blocked my memories from early age. Once I started discovering them, I wanted to run away at first.

I was in a huge pain seeing the hurt and pain of my mom and siblings. I was angry at my dad. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I couldn’t focus or meditate. I cried day after day. Forgiveness of him didn’t feel accessible, yet I knew in order for me to disconnect from the past I needed to let it go.

However, through that work, my patience and acceptance of those events and emotions had grown. I started healing. I realized that forgiveness would provide me with lightness, freedom, empowerment and unlimited beautiful energy.

So, I proceeded and I succeeded. I was very proud of myself to look into my dad’s eyes and not feel hate toward him anymore. I was so happy. I knew I can love unconditionally, even abuser of my childhood. I felt compassion like never before.

 

I felt reborn as a woman and Goddess, too. I became a woman who suddenly felt her body, sensed her emotions, desired sexual pleasure, expressed her true voice, exuded confidence and sensuality. I shifted from hating every inch of my body, vagina, and breasts to wanting to be naked. I wanted to dance, make love, and touch myself. I wanted to connect to every part of my body and express my love.

 

A little tap on my shoulder on that day started a beautiful and magical process of rediscovering my true self and uncovering my femininity. Vulnerability and sensuality became my superpowers.

 

There is a helpful hand waiting for you. You just need to ask for it and be open to receiving it.

Ask for it because you deserve it.

Ask for it because your voice, gifts and Inner Child deserve to speak up and live the beautiful life of alignment and lightness!

 

Be the love and light for yourself!  Be YOU!

❤️

Things I do and which are hard to explain to others.

I talk to Angels, especially my Little Angel, Stella, every day.

I talk to guides, spirits, and plants.

I talk to myself, many times among people, and I truly don’t care about judgment.

I meditate and connect to love every morning, and then fears disappear.

I use white sage to smudge myself and my house to clear energies in my spaces.

I use smudging also during my meditation, before work sessions, in between clients, and when I’m feeling all the emotions surfacing.

I grow and use herbs in my magick.

I connect with the Kakao Spirit every morning to feel the light flowing through me.

I can feel people’s energies, fears and limitations they hold.

I can tell when I am drawn to the person or when I should set the clear boundaries.

I can tell at first conversation what old stories, traumas, and injuries are holding you back in your life.

I practice Wicca, white magic, and my personally developed hocus-pocus rituals.

I believe in the magic of yoni egg.

I play with crystals, essential oils and candles to make my every day feel like I am in the fantasy land.

I read tarot and oracle cards.

I practice naked meditation, dancing and self-touching to spark my femininity and sexuality.

I follow my cycle and celebrate every menstruation.

I love being a woman.

I believe in magic!

I see slowing down as the way to speed up and create more.

I don’t see the struggle as the way to create what feels great in my soul and heart. Flow is the thing.

I am totally not afraid of ghosts. I can be among them and feel comfortable.

I totally see and sense the fakeness and internal struggle of being a true self in others.

I know that whatever we put out there comes back, fully. The mantra is real!

Masks and fakeness is the thing which makes me feel sad for others.

I see appreciation and generosity as the most abundant practices.

I believe that money is meant to come and go. They are like a river.

I sense when someone is truly hurting.

I cry when I see a homeless person or the trash on the ground.

I believe the Earth has a soul and it’s truly hurting in those days.

I feel like eating plant-based foods makes me feel energized and in full alignment with the beauty around.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even pain and hurt.

I love pain, this is my biggest teacher of all times.

I’ve been memorizing my past lives to understand what is going on today – the guilt, the shame, the fears and limitations I can’t seem to shake off. I see this for other people as well.

I believe 100% that our life is our responsibility and a choice we make every morning.

The choice is the only way to be happy.

I create sacred space, safe zone and authentic openness to everyone around me.

I am not sure why I wrote this today, but I was driven and inspired since few days to uncover the true me before everybody’s eyes.

Seeing myself unfolding before my eyes is so magical, beautiful, awakening and refreshing!

You never know who you are unless you ask the questions… who am I? Who am I meant to be?

 

  • Who are you?

 

  • What questions could you ask yourself today?

 

  • What do you do that is hard to explain to others?

 

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

Letter to my Inner Child

Dear Izabelka,

Dear my beloved Inner Child,

 

I wanted to start with the words of apologies and then words of appreciation!

 

I want to apologize for abandoning you for all my life.

I want to apologize for not hearing your voice, your scream and begging to be saved, protected and loved.

I want to apologize, from the depth of my heart, for not seeing your innocent beauty.

I want to apologize for being blind and deaf to your presence.

I want to apologize and beg for your forgiveness today.

 

Because today I realized how scared you’ve been. I can see how lonely you’ve been all the life despite me being so close. I know I left you behind, like the most cold-hearted person, and refused to listen, hear and feel you. I admit that I lived as a one-minded person who tried all her life to dismiss the deepest emotions of yours. I am aware of how zombie-like life I was creating without incorporating you in it. I apologize Izabelka.

 

I am so grateful that you are still with me.

I am so grateful that I came back home and recognized your presence.

I am so appreciative for reuniting with the biggest love of mine, you.

I am so happy I could see how scared you were and provide you with safety, we both so needed.

I am thankful to see how much you’ve been craving love and start giving it to both of us.

I am so happy you are with me!

 

You are the bravest and the strongest woman I have ever met!

How wonderful is that to share the life, love, magic and the beauty with you!

I love you to the moon and back! ❤

 

I promise to never ever leave you alone.

I promise to never ever leave you unprotected and insecure.

I promise to never ever leave you unloved.

 

Yours forever,

Izabela

‘I just want to tell you that you are safe.’ as soon as I said that, she hugged me again on my hips and I could hear her little and quick breath of relief. Her body relaxed and she kept holding onto me. It appeared to me as she wanted to stay with me. So, I decided to be there just for her. ‘You are safe’.  She repeated ‘I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.’

[excerpt from my book “True Identity” – Summer 2018]