Through bulimia to self-discovery

 

I was bulimic.

I hated myself.

 

Every day, I could see all the ads on self-love and overcoming eating disorders. Women of all sizes loving themselves.

‘How do they do that?’ – I asked myself every time.

 

‘What’s that hype about self-love?’

‘How does it work?’

‘What does it actually mean?’

‘How does that even feel to love oneself?’

 

I felt like I would learn the Chinese language faster than loving myself. I couldn’t picture the day when I could possibly like myself, all of it, the body, the mind, the life I had, all of it! I had an extremely hard time imagining this feeling.

 

I expected it to feel lightning, freeing, even fulfilling. Possibly expanding. Oh goodness, what should I do to maybe – just maybe – one day love myself? For just a minute, so I could experience that unconditional love to myself.

 

And…

that day came.

It was another extreme day with bulimia. Three times purging left my body weak again. It wasn’t new to me; it shouldn’t be new to my body either. The weakness kept me from being able to hold even a book. I felt exhausted. I felt tired. All I sensed was a pain in my stomach, a stabbing headache, and burning eyes. I couldn’t cry anymore.

I sat on the bed and looked in the mirror. I saw myself, overwhelmed, tired, and in pain. My skin was grey, my eyes were matte. There was not a single sign of life in me. A smile was foreign to my face. Joy was long forgotten. Compassion, kindness, and love didn’t exist.

I had no self-love.

I wanted to rip my skin. I hated my body badly. The hate in my eyes was the worst I have ever seen. I have never hated anyone in my life as I did myself right then, not even my abusive father.

That was a typical day for me, since I was a teenager, until…

 

A breath of my soul surfaced. A tiny tap on my shoulder told me to ask for help. I had no clue what to ask for, or how someone could help me.

 

But deep in my guts, I knew I won’t handle this anymore by myself. Deep down there I felt little voice asking me to seek help. That scared voice wanted me just to try, one more time. Ask!

‘I can’t do that anymore. Please help me, whoever is out there, please. I need help!!!” – I whispered.

 

And I went to bed.

Next couple of days were very ordinary. Today I know they were very special. Things felt on my lap unexpectedly. Not even remembering how and when anything happened, I was already filling in the application for the life coaching program.

 

I trusted.

The day when I had a call with the program coach, I knew that no matter what would I need to pay for it, or what effort would I need to make, I was already in. That was my chance! That was my help! That was the answer!

 

I trusted!

I started with learning about presence. Putting myself in the present moment to ‘just be’ was at first uncomfortable, yet interesting. I tried to meditate already two years before, but now the practice took me on a totally different path. I felt anxious, but I enjoyed it, more and more.

A connection between my body and mind started to emerge. I started asking my body what it likes to do and how it feels. Feeling into the visceral ‘yes’ and ‘no’ was a huge fun. I felt like a kid who just found a toy in the sandbox.

I began to recognize that it is okay to feel. Emotions were like clouds, they would come and they would pass. They didn’t identify me. I had never felt so relieved. I knew that it was safe for me to express my feelings. I tested it even in my daily life and it worked. I was so excited!

I was able to create a relationship between pain and joy, hurt and kindness, abuse and playfulness, anxiety and compassion, and fear and trust. What a combination. What a discovery – the pain was here for me to heal. The pain was here for me to learn. Triggers and fears were my teachers! At this point, I knew my life was already changed. I felt heavenly amused.

Being alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings was extremely transformational. Being alone was nurturing. Focused breath work was recharging. All those tools I had with me, all the time, and I never knew how to tap into the source and use them. I was capable of being, dreaming, loving, and forgiving.

It was exciting and anxious at the same time as I connected to my Inner Child. Memories from my abusive childhood were readily accessible, yet very scary. I blocked my memories from early age. Once I started discovering them, I wanted to run away at first.

I was in a huge pain seeing the hurt and pain of my mom and siblings. I was angry at my dad. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I couldn’t focus or meditate. I cried day after day. Forgiveness of him didn’t feel accessible, yet I knew in order for me to disconnect from the past I needed to let it go.

However, through that work, my patience and acceptance of those events and emotions had grown. I started healing. I realized that forgiveness would provide me with lightness, freedom, empowerment and unlimited beautiful energy.

So, I proceeded and I succeeded. I was very proud of myself to look into my dad’s eyes and not feel hate toward him anymore. I was so happy. I knew I can love unconditionally, even abuser of my childhood. I felt compassion like never before.

 

I felt reborn as a woman and Goddess, too. I became a woman who suddenly felt her body, sensed her emotions, desired sexual pleasure, expressed her true voice, exuded confidence and sensuality. I shifted from hating every inch of my body, vagina, and breasts to wanting to be naked. I wanted to dance, make love, and touch myself. I wanted to connect to every part of my body and express my love.

 

A little tap on my shoulder on that day started a beautiful and magical process of rediscovering my true self and uncovering my femininity. Vulnerability and sensuality became my superpowers.

 

There is a helpful hand waiting for you. You just need to ask for it and be open to receiving it.

Ask for it because you deserve it.

Ask for it because your voice, gifts and Inner Child deserve to speak up and live the beautiful life of alignment and lightness!

 

Be the love and light for yourself!  Be YOU!

❤️

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Things I do and which are hard to explain to others.

I talk to Angels, especially my Little Angel, Stella, every day.

I talk to guides, spirits, and plants.

I talk to myself, many times among people, and I truly don’t care about judgment.

I meditate and connect to love every morning, and then fears disappear.

I use white sage to smudge myself and my house to clear energies in my spaces.

I use smudging also during my meditation, before work sessions, in between clients, and when I’m feeling all the emotions surfacing.

I grow and use herbs in my magick.

I connect with the Kakao Spirit every morning to feel the light flowing through me.

I can feel people’s energies, fears and limitations they hold.

I can tell when I am drawn to the person or when I should set the clear boundaries.

I can tell at first conversation what old stories, traumas, and injuries are holding you back in your life.

I practice Wicca, white magic, and my personally developed hocus-pocus rituals.

I believe in the magic of yoni egg.

I play with crystals, essential oils and candles to make my every day feel like I am in the fantasy land.

I read tarot and oracle cards.

I practice naked meditation, dancing and self-touching to spark my femininity and sexuality.

I follow my cycle and celebrate every menstruation.

I love being a woman.

I believe in magic!

I see slowing down as the way to speed up and create more.

I don’t see the struggle as the way to create what feels great in my soul and heart. Flow is the thing.

I am totally not afraid of ghosts. I can be among them and feel comfortable.

I totally see and sense the fakeness and internal struggle of being a true self in others.

I know that whatever we put out there comes back, fully. The mantra is real!

Masks and fakeness is the thing which makes me feel sad for others.

I see appreciation and generosity as the most abundant practices.

I believe that money is meant to come and go. They are like a river.

I sense when someone is truly hurting.

I cry when I see a homeless person or the trash on the ground.

I believe the Earth has a soul and it’s truly hurting in those days.

I feel like eating plant-based foods makes me feel energized and in full alignment with the beauty around.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even pain and hurt.

I love pain, this is my biggest teacher of all times.

I’ve been memorizing my past lives to understand what is going on today – the guilt, the shame, the fears and limitations I can’t seem to shake off. I see this for other people as well.

I believe 100% that our life is our responsibility and a choice we make every morning.

The choice is the only way to be happy.

I create sacred space, safe zone and authentic openness to everyone around me.

I am not sure why I wrote this today, but I was driven and inspired since few days to uncover the true me before everybody’s eyes.

Seeing myself unfolding before my eyes is so magical, beautiful, awakening and refreshing!

You never know who you are unless you ask the questions… who am I? Who am I meant to be?

 

  • Who are you?

 

  • What questions could you ask yourself today?

 

  • What do you do that is hard to explain to others?

 

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

Letter to my Inner Child

Dear Izabelka,

Dear my beloved Inner Child,

 

I wanted to start with the words of apologies and then words of appreciation!

 

I want to apologize for abandoning you for all my life.

I want to apologize for not hearing your voice, your scream and begging to be saved, protected and loved.

I want to apologize, from the depth of my heart, for not seeing your innocent beauty.

I want to apologize for being blind and deaf to your presence.

I want to apologize and beg for your forgiveness today.

 

Because today I realized how scared you’ve been. I can see how lonely you’ve been all the life despite me being so close. I know I left you behind, like the most cold-hearted person, and refused to listen, hear and feel you. I admit that I lived as a one-minded person who tried all her life to dismiss the deepest emotions of yours. I am aware of how zombie-like life I was creating without incorporating you in it. I apologize Izabelka.

 

I am so grateful that you are still with me.

I am so grateful that I came back home and recognized your presence.

I am so appreciative for reuniting with the biggest love of mine, you.

I am so happy I could see how scared you were and provide you with safety, we both so needed.

I am thankful to see how much you’ve been craving love and start giving it to both of us.

I am so happy you are with me!

 

You are the bravest and the strongest woman I have ever met!

How wonderful is that to share the life, love, magic and the beauty with you!

I love you to the moon and back! ❤

 

I promise to never ever leave you alone.

I promise to never ever leave you unprotected and insecure.

I promise to never ever leave you unloved.

 

Yours forever,

Izabela

‘I just want to tell you that you are safe.’ as soon as I said that, she hugged me again on my hips and I could hear her little and quick breath of relief. Her body relaxed and she kept holding onto me. It appeared to me as she wanted to stay with me. So, I decided to be there just for her. ‘You are safe’.  She repeated ‘I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.’

[excerpt from my book “True Identity” – Summer 2018]