2018: The year of pure transformation and life-changing lessons.

I was about to start this blog with a very plain title “The teachings of 2018”.

However, I thought that I’ll start with these life-changing conclusions first and elaborate on them next:

1. Slowing down is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of huge personal responsibility and strength.

2. Choosing differently every day is the most powerful tool ever.

3. Love is for free – you don’t need to do anything for it, you don’t need to work for it either!

Footnotes:

1. Boundaries are crucial.

2. Know your fears even the most shameful ones.

3. There is light in a tunnel, but you need to ask for help first and keep walking.

Conclusion:

I am ME, just the way I am and I will never be able to make everyone happy around me. Even if tried, I could end up making myself miserable before others and they are still not going to be happy.

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The biggest awakening came in my relationship, where I am still learning what unconditional love is. I dreamt about it since I was a little girl, yet never had any clue that one day I will be purely afraid of it. The fact that someone can love me for just who I am, without me needing to work for it, do things in return, become someone else, or fake it till I make it – is mind-blowing.

Love is for free. FREE.

And it comes from every angle of the life – no need to chase it, no need to be approved for it, no need to look for. No need to be different, too!  

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I learned how to say NO, set healthy boundaries and secure my own space for my own self-care and sanity. All done in the most loving way possible. Was everyone ok with that? NO, of course not. And that was totally fine with me.  

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I also learned that the only thing I am truly capable of doing is to make myself happy without expecting others to do it for me. It is just not fair to do so.

I started this year with fighting with extreme bulimia and depression. I wanted to be well. I knew that it’s out of my integrity to coach others battling with such disorders yet being affected myself so deeply. I needed to see the light in the tunnel… which I couldn’t for a long time. The help could come only when I asked for.

I understood that I have a free will, and nobody is going to cross that border unless I permit them to do so. This when “I need help” came out of my mouth and when it was delivered. Was is fast? Not at all. I learned in my life that things which are meaningful need real and affectionate work, with love, compassion, and acceptance. And all will happen at its own pace!

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This brings me to December this year when I decided to step back, slow down and rethink a lot of things in my life, especially my business, job, mission and life purpose. It was hard at first because I, as many of you, was wired to hustle, advertise, promote, chase and work hard for every single penny and client.

It was one of the most wonderful lessons to learn that slowing down is actually an act of strength and integrity.

I’ve never put something on social media that wasn’t sincere. If I’m having a bad day, I don’t say much. Because privacy is part of authentic wellness. And because I’m committed to offering hope- and love-bringing content. I go through the issue, I learn from it, I bring out the lessons from it and then I share it. I am a guide and teacher.

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Last, but not the least, is that I recognized the deepest fears of mine. Even writing them here makes me feel still ashamed and little uneasy. But I know how sharing them may help me and some of you who can resonate.

I am afraid of being happy, loved and successful.

Yes, I am. I didn’t realize until the end of this year how manipulation, procrastination and self-pity are huge in my life. I use them to protect myself in the most ‘artificial’ way. My ego feels safe when it’s in control. Experiencing pure love, happiness and success wasn’t in my cards in the past. When I see the huge opportunity for them in any form, my mind panics and retract. It feels afraid! And it does anything to not feel that way!

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Today I know that in 2019 my major goal will be to step out of that comfort zone and experience what’s meant for me!

That means – self-trust is the theme for next year!

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So, cheers to the 2019!!!

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  • What is your theme for 2019?
  • What are your lessons from 2018?
  • What are your goals for 2019?
















I am HERE. I am NOW. I am
ME. ❤



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I am not enough! I am unworthy! I hate myself. IS THAT YOU?

I am happy for you today, though!

WHY? Hear me up!

As a beYOUtiful coach, I help women committed to finishing their struggle with any relationships in their lives; the romantic ones, the job-related ones, the family ones and the most important one, the relationship with themselves and their bodies.

I work with women who:

  • Don’t believe in themselves
  • Lost their worthiness
  • Feel that they are not enough
  • Are feeling tired of pleasing others
  • The worry of what others will say
  • Are afraid of judgment and rejection
  • Are feeling lost in their own lives
  • Have no clue who they are
  • Have no idea what they want to do
  • Can’t imagine how to move on
  • Are struggling with self-hate and self-love
  • Who has fear of not being loved
  • Have enough of the situation they are in
  • Who can’t imagine they may be successful.

Is this YOU?

When I started seeing that women who reached out to me were seeking the freedom, the lightness and alignment with themselves, feeling totally lost, miserable and stuck in their recent lives, I couldn’t help but interact with them.

I couldn’t help but hear their deep cries!

I wanted to find out what makes a woman, so many of us, feel unworthy, not enough, with no energy, drive, and motivation, despite the fact that every single of you could tell me today your dreams.

What makes you feel hateful towards yourself?

Why don’t you like your body, your actions, yourself?

Why don’t you see who you are?

Why don’t you believe you could write a book, run a company, have a loving partner and family, be happy as a single woman, or have plenty of non-toxic friends?

I hear you telling me:

  • ‘I hate myself, I can’t see myself in the mirror’
  • ‘I hate my body and how I look like’
  • ‘I can’t possibly do that’
  • ‘I am not enough’
  • ‘I never could do that so what does it make you feel I could now?’
  • ‘I am not smart enough’
  • ‘I don’t have resources to start up my business’
  • ‘I always date bad guys’
  • ‘I am not meant to have a family’
  • ‘My parents told me that I will never succeed’
  • ‘I am not confident at all and never will be’
  • ‘There is no way anybody can see me as attractive’
  • ‘I dieted all my life, I hate my body for what it does and how does it look like’
  • ‘I am so ashamed of myself’
  • ‘I can’t get naked in front of my partner’
  • ‘How can I love myself?’
  • ‘I never knew who I am actually’
  • ‘I need to always take care of others first and I have no time for myself’
  • ‘I don’t deserve that’
  • ‘I was always told to not be seen or speak up’.

 

I hear you!

I feel your pain!

I see your situation!

I imagine the struggle!

 

I am sad seeing the enormous beauty in every single of you, yet you hate herself.

I am sad seeing the strength in you, yet you feel totally weak.

I am sad seeing the opportunities for you, yet you don’t believe in yourself.

I am sad seeing the attractiveness in you, yet you feel unworthy of love.

I am heartbroken seeing you being stuck in the life you don’t even know how it happened.

I am sad because I know how that feels; being lost, self-hateful, heart-broken, abused and used, and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It didn’t feel freeing at all. It didn’t feel empowering at all. It didn’t feel like there is anything in this life for me.

 

However, I am happy because I freaking know how much energy, power, strength, drive, and motivation you have.

I am happy because I know deep inside you are simply done with being where you are.

I am happy because I see the spark inside of you which just waits to be ignited.

I am happy because I know you are READY NOW!

I am happy because I know there is a way out for you!

There is the way out!!!!

 

This is your deepest SELF simply talking to you NOW.

This is the message from the Spirits, Divine, Universe and all Gods just for YOU!

 

beYOUtiful lady, you are ready!!!

Type “I am ready” and let’s rock this new life together!

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

 

P.S. beYOUtiful is ‘cooking’ something behind the scene. Her scientific mindset creeps in and she is so eager to experiment, create some mysterious mixtures and magical nectars. The vibrations in her ‘lab’ are powerful. The outcomes seem to be more and more beautiful. The mission is to bring to the surface unbelievable colors of the matter which is called ‘The True Identity’.

What is going on in there?

What’s behind the scene?

The energy created by the high vibrations of preparing something so beautiful and gentle, powerful and free, is giving me the biggest joy, I have ever experienced.

 

Nut Butter Breakthrough

Do you live in the reality where you were told that some things in this world are just bad? Do you interact with people who constantly bombard you with judgment and opinions? Do you create your own world around those notions, thoughts, stories and beliefs that you gathered during your life, and that are not necessarily true?

Where am I headed to with those questions? What does that have to do with nut butter?

 

Oh, let me tell you my story.

I have never shared this before.

The entire world believes that being a bodybuilder, looking wonderfully lean and muscular, fit and athletic, is the healthiest thing someone could get involved in. There is no bigger misinterpretation than that. The myth of “healthy” bodybuilding can be easily debunked. I did look awesome, the best ever in my life, that’s true. Have I worked hard? Oh, heck yes, the hardest “job” I have ever done was getting ready for that stage. The limitations, deprivations, rules and what’s good and what’s totally not good or allowed, losing the social life, having no time for anything but gym, are the major “bonuses” to it. Moreover, I consider these even better: insomnia during the night, sleepiness during the day, lack of period, total lack of energy, adrenal fatigue, hypothyroidism and extreme food intolerance.

What I found the most incredible during that time is the way to look at the food and the body. Being at 7% body fat on the stage is an indication of your well-done work, and then gaining 2 pounds is considered not good anymore.

But where did I lose the main character of this story, nut butter? The cheat meal or carbing up by eating pizza, donuts and the crappiest food on this planet, was considered “good” and “beneficial” for your gains. However, eating healthy, full of good nutrients and good fats, nut butter, was the worst thing you could even think of, totally sabotaging your progress. Having this type of “cheat meal” was making me fat, over night actually, and thanks to it I most likely wouldn’t be able to step on the stage.

Do you follow me? Do you see the story behind it? Do you see the misleading beliefs here?

 

Where am I headed with that now?

Here it is. The bodybuilding world doesn’t talk about, but 85% girls start with it because they either have already underlying eating disorders and body image issues, or they end up with that after pursuing that journey. And I was on both sides. Yes, I am a girl who suffered bulimia and anorexia as a teenager, in mid and late 20s, and of course the “exciting” disorder became more dangerous after competitions. Every single pound is an obsession, every single bite of food is making me fat overnight. Every single spoon of that freaking nut butter is sabotaging all my athletic performance. But wait, what if I eat pizza, or donuts – then I should be fine, right?!

 

Do you see where I am getting to?

The messed-up stories and beliefs someone told me during that time, create the person I am now. And if you are me, you hate your body, you binge, then purge and hate yourself even more. And the vicious cycle is never going to end unless you stop yourself, you literally get yourself into the silent place, remove the worldly distractions and ask yourself the major question: what problem, emotions, pain, feelings, or issue am I trying to numb with food or any other addiction?

The root of that addiction was somewhere deep inside of me. Exactly like the root of my love-hate feelings toward a simple food like nut butter. Why was I loving it and hating it just after I ate it? Why was I craving it, even though I wasn’t hungry, so I could purge afterwards? Why was I even buying it, if it was making me so overly fat?? WHY?

Because the root of that was simple: someone told me that this type of food is making me fat. That nut butter will make me weak. That this food will make me perform bad. That thanks to this food I better stop pursuing whatever athletic and sport goals I had. Because I am going to fail…if I keep eating it. I am not exaggerating this story. It is my real, deep and true story.

 

So, if you still reading, listen: dig deep inside of your soul and heart, allow yourself to feel it, to think, to be in the moments with yourself, your memories – even if they are painful. Pain is the best teacher we could ever have in this world.

Use it wisely!

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

 

 

Survival Mode…..

….I wasn’t born in this country, I have lived in many other countries, I moved eighteen times, I was sexually and mentally abused and I can’t have kids…. and many of those things seems to be nothing to other’s problems….

Depression, anxiety…. Survival Mode!

 

Survival Mode when I am waking up every day, even though I don’t want because I am afraid of that day, of the future in two minutes, of the person hurting me or rejecting me!

Survival Mode when I tell myself that all will be good, all will work, and today will be a beautiful day – even though I see clouds and I see struggle, because I may not be able to smile today!

Survival Mode when I say I am fine, but all I think is to disappear and never come back!

Survival Mode when I call my mom and tell her that I love her and I am doing so well, I just may need some help to pay rent or bills!

Survival Mode when I know that conversation was a lie and all I want is to kill myself…. only because of her I am not doing it, she would never ever survive that…oh well, I would see her in the heaven then quickly after my attempt!

Survival Mode when words such you are awesome, you are inspiration, you are hardworking, you are kind and you will manage, mean nothing. Oh, they are the biggest lies I have ever heard…why even someone say them…stop it!

Survival Mode when suicide is so tempting, so attractive that I don’t even want to talk to others…being scared they may take away from me that biggest fun and dream!

Survival Mode when lack of motivation, dedication and drive is normal. Don’t people actually live like that their whole life? Why do I need to bother even?

Survival Mode when help is not needed, love is messed up, kindness is worthless, and integrity doesn’t exist… values, what are the values? Didn’t I already told you my biggest goal is to disappear?

Survival Mode when I regret Past, I don’t believe in Present and I am afraid of Future….

Survival Mode when life is not beautiful, life is never beautiful and everyone saying that is just making up the word….

 

Is there anything else?

Someone said, yes….

There is that life which is beautiful actually,

— the love which brings people together and connects those who needs each other,

— the sun which shines on our faces and smiles,

— the flowers and nature which blesses us every day with unconditional awesomeness.

❤ And the SELF which is so unusual, so amazing, so strong and resilient, so fearless and limitless, so powerful and capable of unimaginable.

 

#beYOUtiful

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤