Through bulimia to self-discovery

 

I was bulimic.

I hated myself.

 

Every day, I could see all the ads on self-love and overcoming eating disorders. Women of all sizes loving themselves.

‘How do they do that?’ – I asked myself every time.

 

‘What’s that hype about self-love?’

‘How does it work?’

‘What does it actually mean?’

‘How does that even feel to love oneself?’

 

I felt like I would learn the Chinese language faster than loving myself. I couldn’t picture the day when I could possibly like myself, all of it, the body, the mind, the life I had, all of it! I had an extremely hard time imagining this feeling.

 

I expected it to feel lightning, freeing, even fulfilling. Possibly expanding. Oh goodness, what should I do to maybe – just maybe – one day love myself? For just a minute, so I could experience that unconditional love to myself.

 

And…

that day came.

It was another extreme day with bulimia. Three times purging left my body weak again. It wasn’t new to me; it shouldn’t be new to my body either. The weakness kept me from being able to hold even a book. I felt exhausted. I felt tired. All I sensed was a pain in my stomach, a stabbing headache, and burning eyes. I couldn’t cry anymore.

I sat on the bed and looked in the mirror. I saw myself, overwhelmed, tired, and in pain. My skin was grey, my eyes were matte. There was not a single sign of life in me. A smile was foreign to my face. Joy was long forgotten. Compassion, kindness, and love didn’t exist.

I had no self-love.

I wanted to rip my skin. I hated my body badly. The hate in my eyes was the worst I have ever seen. I have never hated anyone in my life as I did myself right then, not even my abusive father.

That was a typical day for me, since I was a teenager, until…

 

A breath of my soul surfaced. A tiny tap on my shoulder told me to ask for help. I had no clue what to ask for, or how someone could help me.

 

But deep in my guts, I knew I won’t handle this anymore by myself. Deep down there I felt little voice asking me to seek help. That scared voice wanted me just to try, one more time. Ask!

‘I can’t do that anymore. Please help me, whoever is out there, please. I need help!!!” – I whispered.

 

And I went to bed.

Next couple of days were very ordinary. Today I know they were very special. Things felt on my lap unexpectedly. Not even remembering how and when anything happened, I was already filling in the application for the life coaching program.

 

I trusted.

The day when I had a call with the program coach, I knew that no matter what would I need to pay for it, or what effort would I need to make, I was already in. That was my chance! That was my help! That was the answer!

 

I trusted!

I started with learning about presence. Putting myself in the present moment to ‘just be’ was at first uncomfortable, yet interesting. I tried to meditate already two years before, but now the practice took me on a totally different path. I felt anxious, but I enjoyed it, more and more.

A connection between my body and mind started to emerge. I started asking my body what it likes to do and how it feels. Feeling into the visceral ‘yes’ and ‘no’ was a huge fun. I felt like a kid who just found a toy in the sandbox.

I began to recognize that it is okay to feel. Emotions were like clouds, they would come and they would pass. They didn’t identify me. I had never felt so relieved. I knew that it was safe for me to express my feelings. I tested it even in my daily life and it worked. I was so excited!

I was able to create a relationship between pain and joy, hurt and kindness, abuse and playfulness, anxiety and compassion, and fear and trust. What a combination. What a discovery – the pain was here for me to heal. The pain was here for me to learn. Triggers and fears were my teachers! At this point, I knew my life was already changed. I felt heavenly amused.

Being alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings was extremely transformational. Being alone was nurturing. Focused breath work was recharging. All those tools I had with me, all the time, and I never knew how to tap into the source and use them. I was capable of being, dreaming, loving, and forgiving.

It was exciting and anxious at the same time as I connected to my Inner Child. Memories from my abusive childhood were readily accessible, yet very scary. I blocked my memories from early age. Once I started discovering them, I wanted to run away at first.

I was in a huge pain seeing the hurt and pain of my mom and siblings. I was angry at my dad. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I couldn’t focus or meditate. I cried day after day. Forgiveness of him didn’t feel accessible, yet I knew in order for me to disconnect from the past I needed to let it go.

However, through that work, my patience and acceptance of those events and emotions had grown. I started healing. I realized that forgiveness would provide me with lightness, freedom, empowerment and unlimited beautiful energy.

So, I proceeded and I succeeded. I was very proud of myself to look into my dad’s eyes and not feel hate toward him anymore. I was so happy. I knew I can love unconditionally, even abuser of my childhood. I felt compassion like never before.

 

I felt reborn as a woman and Goddess, too. I became a woman who suddenly felt her body, sensed her emotions, desired sexual pleasure, expressed her true voice, exuded confidence and sensuality. I shifted from hating every inch of my body, vagina, and breasts to wanting to be naked. I wanted to dance, make love, and touch myself. I wanted to connect to every part of my body and express my love.

 

A little tap on my shoulder on that day started a beautiful and magical process of rediscovering my true self and uncovering my femininity. Vulnerability and sensuality became my superpowers.

 

There is a helpful hand waiting for you. You just need to ask for it and be open to receiving it.

Ask for it because you deserve it.

Ask for it because your voice, gifts and Inner Child deserve to speak up and live the beautiful life of alignment and lightness!

 

Be the love and light for yourself!  Be YOU!

❤️

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Enjoyment of the moment

 

“WHEN I STAND BEFORE GOD AT THE END OF MY LIFE, I WOULD HOPE THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE A SINGLE BIT OF TALENT AND TIME LEFT, AND COULD SAY THAT I USED EVERYTHING YOU GAVE ME, GOD!”

– Erma Bombeck

 

“I want to be happy in my life!”

 

That’s the most repeated phrase after “I love you”. Happiness is that ONE thing we all chase and long for. The happiness has as many faces as people on this planet.

 

As I sit on my pillow, my hand writes down one of the most beautiful words, which seemed like a cry of my soul. The happy cry, the aha-moment cry, the Eureka cry – the realization cry of what happiness is for me.

Today I share with you that deep, vulnerable and empowering desires!

 

“I truly want to be happy in my life!

I don’t want to do what doesn’t spark me.

The last few weeks of hustling to post the most inspiring words on social media, following all other inspiring coaches and women, comparing myself to others just made me feel very fearful, miserable, unhappy, not present and not appreciative of what I have right now in my life.

I realized that the hustle may not be for me.

The rat race and money chasing may totally be out of my life or happiness definition.

 

It hit me how much I want to organically inspire, motivate, help and be of service to others, just be being the truest version of myself.

 

And, I also want to enjoy life! I truly do.

I want to enjoy time with my partner instead of being stressed about not doing enough.

I want to enjoy the healthy food and have fun with it instead of being miserable and obsessed with my body image.

I want to enjoy the movements of my body, workouts, and dance instead of punishing and hurting my body.

I want to be healthy and fit and go places instead of being overstressed and frozen in the hustle mode.

I want to enjoy the cozy, loving and safe place and home instead of chasing huge and cold villas.

I want to enjoy my garden full of herbs and nature instead of feeling that this is a waste of time.

I want to enjoy doing new things and build memories with my fiancée and friends instead of being a workaholic.

I want to connect with people on a personal level instead of being fake and copy-monkey social media guru.

I want to enjoy small groups meetings and retreats where true connection, magic, love, self-expression, and beautiful transformations happen instead of hiding from the overwhelm of this world.

 

I want to feel happy and proud of myself at the end of the day. I want to know that I did everything in all my abilities to love and be loved. I want to be content knowing that my time was very well spent with all I have. I want to live being appreciative of my life every second.

 

I want to give it a time – a time to listen to myself, a time to hear what the Universe has to say, a time to flow with what it’s meant for me.

I want to focus on my emotions, body, and cycle.

I want to be appreciative of every moment.

I want to express love every day.

I want to be in the flow.

I want to just be, in the present moment

And I want to be patient to be able to see and feel what lights me up. “

 

What does happiness mean to you? ❤

 

 

 

 

 

The KAKAO Ceremony for focus, energy, self-love and menstrual pain release.

If you follow me long enough on my Instagram or FB page, you already figured out that KAKAO plays an important and beautiful role in my daily life.

  • But why KAKAO?
  • What is it so special about it?
  • Why do I do ceremonies around a simple ‘hot chocolate’ drink?

 

Let me introduce you to the world of KAKAO by showing you how this natural drink can be powerful for your physical body; as well as mental, emotional and spiritual life.

 

I have rediscovered cacao a month and a half ago.

In my childhood, powdered cacao was served in a form of hot chocolate, chocolate cake, chocolate pudding or ice-cream. All made of cacao powder, mixed with other natural ingredients and sweeteners such as honey. Hot cacao was also used by my mom as a home remedy for diarrhea and menstrual pains.

 

What’s the difference between CACAO and COCOA?

Raw cacao is made by cold pressing unroasted cocoa beans while cocoa powder is made by roasting the beans at high temps. When processing raw cacao, the enzymes are left in while the cacao butter (fat) is removed (which is also very nutritious and available to purchase and consume). However, when cocoa powder is made by roasting at high levels of heat, the enzymes are ruined and you are left with fewer nutrients in your powder. This is why raw CACAO powder is a whole lot better for you!

So, it’s good to know that although all forms of chocolate and cocoa powders come from the same tree, the process they go through to get there destroys most of the healthy aspects of the plant.

 

Let’s dive into the benefits of CACAO! The list is loooong!

Cacao is a source of scientifically proven “bliss chemicals” known to influence the body and brain in beneficial ways.

  1. Serotonin: A neurotransmitter commonly known as the “feel-good” chemical. Cacao not only supplies the body with serotonin but also aids the body in producing its own serotonin naturally. Serotonin is well known for its ability to combat stress and improve the mood by promoting the feelings of comfort, contentment, happiness, relaxation, and well-being.
  2. Phenylethylamine (PEA): better known as “the love chemical” for its association with the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ excitement when you are falling in love. When ingested, PEA stimulates the central nervous system to release the body’s natural opium-like compounds called endorphins. PEA signals the body to promote the sensation of alertness, focus, and mental acuity, all while elevating the mood, speeding up metabolism, and boosting memory.
  3. Anandamide: in Sanskrit, Ananda literally means “bliss” making anandamide the “bliss chemical” in chocolate. Anandamide is a neurotransmitter found naturally in cacao and also in the human brain (the only two places it has currently been discovered). Anandamide binds to the same receptors sites in the brain as THC from cannabis. Unlike THC, anandamide won’t leave you in a mind-altered state, but, does produce a feeling of euphoria.
  4. Theobromine: this chemical acts as a vasodilator, meaning it opens the blood vessels leading to relaxation of the smooth muscles. Benefits of this chemical include enhanced blood flow and oxygenation to the brain in addition to long-term antioxidant properties.
  5. Magnesium: every cell in the body contains this mineral and requires it to function. Magnesium helps increase energy, calms nerves, aids in digestion, and relieves muscle aches and pains (among a whole host of other benefits).
  6. Zinc: This is a vital mineral for our immune system, bone health, healing, and for good hormone balance and fertility. The 100g of cacao can provide around 45% of our recommended amount of zinc. It’s without a doubt the best source of zinc for someone who refuses to eat animal products.
  7. Antioxidants: Raw cacao has 40 times the amount of antioxidants that blueberries have. Cacao is one of the world’s most antioxidant-rich foods. Antioxidants do wonders for your immune system and help to get rid of any free radicals that you may have hanging out in your body.
  8. Iron: Raw cacao has 7.3 milligrams of iron per 100 grams. Or in other words, if you take 28 grams of raw cacao, you’ll be getting over 300% the daily value. Raw cacao is the highest plant-based source of iron in the world! Iron is the mineral especially needed for women before, during and after the menstrual flow to counter the depletion of it via the loss of the blood. Iron is necessary to beat anemia. So definitely raw cacao is your friend, girl!!!
  9. Phytonutrients: They help with cardiovascular health, particularly in keeping your blood healthy. Raw cacao has blood-thinning properties that can help lower blood pressure and chances of clotting. It also encourages blood flow and helps keep your cholesterol levels healthy. Aztecs actually referred to the cacao plant as “heart blood.” They believed that consuming cacao would help you to make decisions with your heart’s intuition rather than with your logical thinking.
  10. Dietary Fiber: Raw cacao also has a high amount of dietary fiber. Although chocolate has given cacao the reputation of being sweet, raw cacao is actually very low in sugar. Most of its carbohydrates come from the fiber. The fiber in raw cacao can help keep you regular and can contribute to weight loss. However, remember, a little goes a long way with cacao! Taking too much could give you a stomach ache.

 

I could go on for days listing the health benefits of cacao, but to save you your sanity, I’ll simply conclude it with this EPIC quote:

“After water, cacao is the single healthiest substance you can put in your mouth. It can easily replace a number of psychiatric drugs for mood, plus it produces the same chemistry in the brain that occurs when we fall in love.” – Chris Kilham, WellBella

 

Why did I choose this unconventional, yet so special drink to have it every day?

The major reason was to substitute coffee with something more beneficial, healthier and enjoyable. Since I truly believe in the Universe, the moment I asked, I surprisingly opened up one of the inspirational woman IG post and there was it, the KAKAO Ceremony. I got attracted to the spiritual aspect of this drink, and the scientific benefits of it blew my mind. This drink is used for ages and was used also by my mom as a home remedy. I was stocked to rediscover it and start drinking it again.

The actual benefits I experienced were amazing. I was very focused, feeling positive and energized. I felt full and nurtured by its thick consistency and super-nutrients. I loved every sip of it.

Two months later, I still drink Kakao and no single cup of coffee. I don’t feel like I need any booster in order to perform mentally and physically.

 

The KAKAO CEREMONY.

The KAKAO Ceremony was the most beautiful part of it, though. Having the warm cacao for my morning routine, for my meditation and journaling, is very soothing, calming and empowering. It brings a smile on my face every single time. And with that my entire body, heart, and soul smile, too. I talk to it, I invoke the presence of the KAKAO Goddess and Spirit, I give it my worries and fears, and I ask to fulfill my heart with that beautiful soothing love I feel from it.

Does that make me a witch doing a hocus-pocus in my room, connecting to weird shamans from the past and invoking the spirits of Aztecs? Whatever you call it, I’ll continue with my beautiful ceremony because it truly makes me connect with self, with love, and create magic in my day!

 

How do I drink my KAKAO?

Here is a simple recipe for you I use every day, with slight modifications from time to time:

2 – 4 tbsp of organic cacao powder

1 tsp of organic maca powder

½ tsp of cinnamon

½ tsp of vanilla powder (optional)

1 tbsp of coconut oil

Pour around 10-15 ounces of warm to hot water (not boiling), mix, then blend and ENJOY IT!

 

Sometimes I add 1 tsp of lucuma powder for more natural nutrients (it is rich in Vit. C and B3). I made it with a pinch of nutmeg, but I personally didn’t like it. Sometimes, I use also ghee butter instead of coconut oil. To sweeten it, I used honey a couple of times. However, I skip honey most of the time because I love the dark chocolate taste of my KAKAO).

 

I hope you enjoy your KAKAO drink!

 

I would love to hear from you how does cacao makes you feel, and how did you incorporate it into your day?

Did you create a beautiful ceremony for yourself? I would love to see the picture of it.

Post it in the beYOUtiful secret & sacred group here.

 

Let’s create a tribe of KAKAO GODDESSES!

 

By for now, beYOutiful!

LoVE, 

Izabela