The road to the unknown

 

One year ago, I was on the road from New Mexico to Wyoming. I was in a moving truck with all my life squeezed in there. Many things got sold or left behind, though. Material things didn’t have much meaning to me at this point in my life.

I didn’t know yet that soon my life was going to change totally!

And all I could do was to trust that all would be well.

I trusted so much that during the 12-hour drive I didn’t hesitate for a second about my decision. There was no single thought of turning back. I knew I was driving to a new me, to a new life, and to new experiences.

I trusted fully!

 

You may ask me, what has changed?

And this is my answer.

 

Depression is my history.

I recall being depressed and suicidal over the last 15 years, with some extreme ups and down. I never knew that in order for me to overcome this disorder I needed at first to feel safe – safe to be, safe to cry, safe to be down, safe to express what I feel!!! Once I felt the safety in every single cell of my body, the awakening came. I realized that I was loved for who I was because it felt safe. It felt loving, too.

The dark thoughts, self-doubts, and fearfulness may still be present – but the way I react to them today is a totally new game. I observe when they come, how they show up, how dark they are and how cloudy my brain gets – I see them and I refuse to let these experiences control my life.

Emotions are OK.

Pain is my superpower.

I accept it, I love it and I don’t push it away. I know they are all here to teach me how to be a better person every day.

I learned to rest and recharge instead of allowing darkness to overtake me.

I learned to take a nap, instead of going into a self-hateful thinking pattern.

I learned to journal or meditate when I am sad or in pain, so I can cry and cry and feel amazing about expressing all of it!

I learned to pause or even step back when it feels heavy.

I learned that it is only me who has a choice of either being happy or miserable.

So, I remind myself every day that I am loved, safe to express and be, beautiful and whole, worthy and freaking unstoppable. I trusted then and keep trusting today!

 

My personal growth journey went through so many huge shifts that one year ago none of it was even in my dreams.

I was battling severe bulimia, extreme panic attacks, and the biggest obsession over the weight, food and exercising and that saddened me. It felt like it would never end and that there is no hope. Yet, every single time I was experiencing any of it, I managed to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that there is a way out of it.

It was the hardest part of my entire journey – to believe and trust in something that logically didn’t seem like it was ever coming. I had no clue how that would look like or show up. But I knew I could be free of all of these things. I knew that many other women got there, so I could too!

I trusted, and that trust brought me to the freedom and the most beautiful life so far! Freedom from obsession over food or body-image, freedom from panic attacks, freedom from bulimia and freedom from the fear! I trusted then and keep trusting today!

 

The interpersonal communication and the way it’s done was a huge turn over in my life.

I was told by a few of my ex-partners that I don’t know how to love and how to communicate in the relationship. That’s why I believed that all my relationships didn’t work because I was a problem.

How mistaken I was. I allowed other’s insecurities and inabilities to be projected on me and I took it as my own stories and beliefs.

All I needed was to feel safe. Again, safety was my thing. Once I discovered that being safe is the happy place for me and my Inner Child, then the magic started pouring down from the sky.

Without a person who supported me on this journey by meeting me half-way, that wouldn’t be possible. Creating the safe, non-judgmental and open space for both of us allowed me to blossom. Once that started, I could show how loving and caring of a person I was.

After all, I never thought I could have a relationship like this – trustworthy, respectful, safe, loving, supportive, open and honest!

 

Acceptance of my emotionality, sensitivity, vulnerability, sensuality, and desires was a great step forward.

Oh well, let me tell you – those qualities never aligned with me – they felt weak, whiny, and not allowed in the big world of success. That girl was all about being powerful, never weak and never crying, strong and doing it all by herself!

Well, that is not true today and I am so glad to take that mask off and reveal the true person.

I felt like an outsider or from a different plant, as I called myself.

I could easily become distracted.

I could feel melancholy for no particular reason.

I could feel other people’s emotions intensely.

I could easily take on the mask of Wonder Woman or Femme Fatale to “fit in” in a society that hasn’t appreciated my intuitive ways.

I knew I was super emotional, with extreme waves even during a single day.

I am a nurturer, caregiver and I cry when I see bad things happening to any human being, including homeless or junkie.

I am sensitive as hell, and that is another superpower of mine.

And I freaking love that about me today. I don’t buy into the story of being too sensitive or PMS. I learned to be with all my emotions, the dark and light ones.

I learned to tap into my vulnerability and use it as the most creative and empowering tool I ever had. I decided to reconnect with my intuition and inner voice so I could be the truest version of myself.

 

The last, but not the least, is my rediscovery of the part of me which I managed to suppress for the longest – the femininity and woman in me.

I hated being a woman for most of my life. I wanted to have the testosterone to build muscles, I didn’t want to be a crybaby when someone hurt me, I wanted to be a buddy for most of my men friends, I wanted to be treated as a strong person. No vulnerability, sensitivity, tears or whining were allowed. I was happy for not having a period for most of my life while being on the pill. I used the PCOS diagnosis as a relief so I didn’t need to get pregnant. I wanted to hide my hips and breasts. OMG, I could list these things forever.

Today, that part of me seems to be the most mysterious, magical and hiding so much more to learn, express and live by.

Today I track my period which came back in January 2018. I am excited when I am bleeding because that means I am a woman, still or again, whichever way I look at it.

I am excited to be with the moon outside and soak in the energy of the beautiful Luna.

I am happy doing self-massage, dance to hot and sexual music or meditate naked to love every part of my body.

I would never imagine being at this point just a year ago!

 

Life is beautiful, with every single moment of it – either emotional and sad, or happy and joyful, either with heavy experiences or lightness and breakthroughs.

The number of gifts that life delivers to us within such a short time just like one year – it is truly beyond the imagination of the logical mind. Only the heart and soul can embrace that!

So, I do it, every single day. And I trust!

 

 

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Once upon a time…… – the childhood memories of mine!

*** What made you happy when you were a kid? Find out and do that now. Seriously, go. Now.  ***

 

Someone recently said that whatever you were doing, effortlessly and joyfully, as a kid, that might be the clue to who you really are, who you want to be and what you truly want to do in your life. That could be your true passion!

Finding passion is not an active act of searching for, scrolling down million of pages, stalking others and copying the most successful person. Passion is something what you were born with, what you innately have within you and the only action you need to make now is to tap inside of you, listen and follow it.

But the question many of us have is how to do that?

My first response to that question is by simply giving yourself space and time to silence yourself, listen to that voice within you, feel and see what sparks you up.

 

However, to help you out little more, I would love to share this story with you.

 

As a kid, little Izabelka, I loved sacred moments, space and rituals. My mom told me that praying, going to the church, reading books and chanting them in the little corner in the bedroom, while kneeling and creating a little ritual around it was my thing. I could spend the entire afternoon by simply being with myself and spiritual beings. Whom I was talking or chanting to, nobody knows. What I was feeling and experiencing, nobody knows as well. Not even me. But I definitely loved it.

In meantime, I was a very responsible person of others and myself. I took good care of my younger siblings already at age of 3. I was quiet and peaceful. I was extremely kind and super helpful. I was serving others until I saw their happiness and smile. Because their smile was giving me the smile on my own face.

Since I remember, I lived my life by the saying ‘treat others as you want to be treated, love others as you want to be loved, be kind to others as you want to be kindly perceived, be honest as you want others to be trustworthy.’

I was extremely smart and humble. I was sensing others feelings and was very quickly ready to help them. I was an empath and sympathizer. The hurt, unfairness, and abuse to others were hurting my heart, too.

I loved flowers so much! I loved candles. I had my own altar, too.

 

The more I look at that Little Girl, the more I understand my life passion and purpose now.

There is nothing else more beautiful, magical and enlightening to me than helping others. There is nothing more nurturing than seeing others beautiful souls blooming and expanding. There is nothing more joyful than creating the world changes I want to see at every corner of this planet. There is nothing more aligned with me than being kind and loving to every human being, no matter the circumstances. There is nothing more freeing than loving people just the way they are. Because everyone is good at heart, and I always believed that. I always saw that in everybody’s eyes, no matter how dark they appeared at first.

There is nothing more lighting me up than the true, real, raw, vulnerable, and authentic self. The true identity of all of you. The one we innately have within.

 

This how I discovered who I really want to be, how do I want to live my life and what makes my soul feel at best. The feeling of being aligned with my highest purpose and myself.

 

Who did you want to be when you were a child?

How did that manifest in your adult life?

What did you dream of?

Did you follow your passion?

How does that look like to you now?

How would that look like if you were to follow it?

 

There is something truly magical happening when we tap into the childhood memories and connect with the Inner Child. There are so many answers there. There is the entire guide book there for us, accessible at any time and for free!

 

How do you feel now?

 

I love you, beautiful soul!

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

 

 

 

 

The letter to my gift and my life purpose

Dear gift,

I haven’t had any clue for a long time what is my life purpose, what is my gift!

I haven’t had any idea why I am here.

So many times, I wanted to disappear and just leave this life.

But also, so many times I got back,

to the present moment,

to the awareness of my mission,

to the unknown life purpose,

to that, someone wanting or needing me to be.

 

The unclear mission, blurry life purpose, questionable gift, and the unknown path.

Asking so many times….

Why me? What for? What is there? Who am I? how do I do it? When is my time? What is it? Where should I be? How should I show up? How could I serve? How could I see that I am meant to be here?

Am I?

 

Today I sit and all I know is

that I am the one in seven billion,

that I am unique,

that there are nothing and nobody like me,

that I am loved, that I am supported,

that I do care about my soul,

that I do care about your soul.

 

Today I know there is a wonderland and wonderment where we all belong.

I know that my life wisdom, experiences, and lessons are my true gift, which is seen as soon as I stop hiding, putting the mask on and speak up.

That’s the moment when I feel I have a gift – the gift of a true identity seeker, uncovering something that was brutally kicked into the corner – myself and yourself!

My mission is to show every single woman that she is not who she is now, that she is not who she should be or other told her to be.

 

However, there is a danger warning here;

Once you uncover who you truly are, real things happen and huge changes are coming – the changes which are dangerous to everyone around you, especially those you were trying to please, make happy, or those who were trying to make you small.

 

My gift is to create the earthquake in your life,

My gift is to initiate the tsunami in your mind,

My gift is to extend the storm in your soul,

My gift is to ignite the fire in your heart,

My gift is to open the valve to flood your potentials with the unlimited energy.

 

My gift is to change the way you see, hear, smell, taste, feel and sense anything in your life, including yourself. Because I can see the person you are hiding behind.

And if I can see her, that means she exists!

That means she better come out for the highest good of this life, for the highest good of her life!

 

Dear gift,

Serve me well so I can create that explosion in every women’s hearts so they can become finally who they really are!!

 

Love you beYOUtiful ❤

 

 

 

Letter to my Inner Child

Dear Izabelka,

Dear my beloved Inner Child,

 

I wanted to start with the words of apologies and then words of appreciation!

 

I want to apologize for abandoning you for all my life.

I want to apologize for not hearing your voice, your scream and begging to be saved, protected and loved.

I want to apologize, from the depth of my heart, for not seeing your innocent beauty.

I want to apologize for being blind and deaf to your presence.

I want to apologize and beg for your forgiveness today.

 

Because today I realized how scared you’ve been. I can see how lonely you’ve been all the life despite me being so close. I know I left you behind, like the most cold-hearted person, and refused to listen, hear and feel you. I admit that I lived as a one-minded person who tried all her life to dismiss the deepest emotions of yours. I am aware of how zombie-like life I was creating without incorporating you in it. I apologize Izabelka.

 

I am so grateful that you are still with me.

I am so grateful that I came back home and recognized your presence.

I am so appreciative for reuniting with the biggest love of mine, you.

I am so happy I could see how scared you were and provide you with safety, we both so needed.

I am thankful to see how much you’ve been craving love and start giving it to both of us.

I am so happy you are with me!

 

You are the bravest and the strongest woman I have ever met!

How wonderful is that to share the life, love, magic and the beauty with you!

I love you to the moon and back! ❤

 

I promise to never ever leave you alone.

I promise to never ever leave you unprotected and insecure.

I promise to never ever leave you unloved.

 

Yours forever,

Izabela

‘I just want to tell you that you are safe.’ as soon as I said that, she hugged me again on my hips and I could hear her little and quick breath of relief. Her body relaxed and she kept holding onto me. It appeared to me as she wanted to stay with me. So, I decided to be there just for her. ‘You are safe’.  She repeated ‘I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.’

[excerpt from my book “True Identity” – Summer 2018]

The letter to my body

Dear Body,

I want to start with telling you how sorry I am for who I was to you throughout last 36 years of our life.

I am sorry for seeing you as a shame, not wanting to even look at you in the mirror.

I am sorry for seeing you as fat after giving you only a little salad or stuffing you with only coffee the whole day.

I am sorry for expecting you to not be swollen, itchy or yellow-skinned after feeding you with sugar loaded crap and processed food.

I am sorry for always wanting to exchange you for something better than you were.

I am sorry for putting you through the pain of constant starvation, dieting, and purging.

I am sorry for not recognizing how amazingly you worked for me every single day without any injuries and major health issues.

I am sorry for not being content with you even after the super heavy workout routine, which didn’t leave you happy at all.

I am sorry for being disgusted by you.

I am sorry for hurting you physically.

I am sorry for using you in ways I feel ashamed of now.

I am sorry for feeling only negative emotions towards you.

I am sorry for always seeing other bodies better than you.

I am sorry for crying as soon as I saw you naked, not happy about what I saw.

I am sorry that I made myself so unhappy in you.

I am sorry for hurting you so deeply despite the love you gave me since I was born.

I am sorry…

and these apologies are the hardest I have ever expressed.

 

However, the appreciation I have today for you is unlimited.

The promise I have for you today is going to change everything.

I always wanted to be loved! You loved me unconditionally all the time.

I never did.

 

The promise is that….

I love you and will always do!!!!

The love letter to myself

A few months ago, I wrote a letter. The love letter from my Future Self to my Recent Self.

The Future Self who is empowered, in alignment and in peace with herself, decided to give some words of encouragement to the woman standing here and writing to you right now. The letter is very open, vulnerable and authentic. Just the way I wanted to be to read it now, and every day.

My desire for you is that this letter will shift some energy within you so you can see your own beauty, worth and true identity under the mask you are wearing. My intention for you is that the letter below will encourage you to write the one for yourself. Don’t overthink or analyze it, just after you finish reading, grab a pen and write some words to yourself. Be loving, kind and non-judgmental.

My wish for you is that you see how beYOUtiful and worthy you are!

Because you are!!!

 

Dear Izabela,

WOW, what a journey, what a life changer!!!! I am so incredibly proud of you for making the step to create a new chapter in your life. I remember the hope and help you were looking for, and how finding that was totally price-independent. I knew that day that this is it, and I was so right!! Thank you, Universe, for giving me that opportunity at just the right time in my life and for not allowing my self-destructive doubts, hesitations and sabotaging creep in and prevent me from doing it!!!! I finally invested in my own self!!!!

I am so happy today! The real, raw, pure, and deep happiness inside of me! The happiness I was craving all 36 years!

I am confident! With my inner self, with my inner voice and thoughts, with my body, every single part of my body. I am confident with myself by myself when it’s quiet and it’s only me, my reflections, my inner voice, my inner child and my inner women!

I am emotionally stable. I am comfortable with my fears and my pains. I recognize them, I let them be and let them teach me.

For the first time, I am confident and proud to be a woman. I feel finally sexy, hot, attractive, comfortable naked and even seductive in a very feminine way!!! OMG, how much I wanted to be that woman!!!!

I am free of that messed up bulimia and binge eating!!! I AM FREE….it makes me feel so light knowing that I do not violent and hate my body anymore.

I AM FREE OF SELF-HATE – I am free forever! Those hateful moments towards myself are gone! How could I possibly do that to myself? That was so scary, so hurting, so painful – and it is GONE!!!!! I am love. I am a vessel of pure love. I do love. I share the love. I treat myself with love.

I am free of anxiety and depression – because I am finally feeling present, aligned with myself, truly aligned with my core values, inner voice and instincts. Finally, I am able to silent my mind and listen to the voice inside, to the Universe.

I am grateful! I see opportunities and beautiful gifts every minute, each day of my life!

I am finally moving with the flow, in every area of my life. I understood how huge resistance I was creating around me and I worked that out!!! I allowed myself to grow, to flourish, to expand and to create amazing things I always dreamt about! Now I am ready to live fully, and change lives around me!

I am a positive person with a positive energy radiating from me. The energy which changes lives, which allows me to see every single event, moment, and person in my life as the best thing that could ever happen to me!

I allow the energy to propel me to create huge things in all areas of my life. I live my life creating only positive energy around and within me.

I am empowered! I am driven! I am strong! I am truly and deeply that person, feeling unstoppable, limitless and fearless not only in the business, fitness, life but most importantly, mentally and emotionally!

I am giving myself NOW the acceptance of myself the way I am; of not being perfect; of not being in full control. I am forgiving myself for mistakes and imperfections. I am relaxed and enjoying life the way it is given to me! Now I learn from every single experience and mistake. I truly see failures as great lessons.

I am happy for the first time that I am alive. I can celebrate now my birthdays ❤

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!! THAT IS HUGE!!!! Finally, Izabela you see yourself as amazing, powerful, strong, persistent, successful, limitless, life-changing, balanced, aligned, peaceful, confident and sexy woman.

I am free of past, free of abusive past and voices, which were limiting my beautiful soul, heart and mind from growing, creating, being, loving! I am so extremely happy I am free of that past! Now I can live, I can see myself flourishing and being nurturing to my body, soul, mindset, heart and my wonderful dreams and visions. Now I can be fearless and doubt-less and calmly and confidently look forward to my future. Because finally, I learned that I am a creator of my life!!!

I am at peace with my past, too! I forgave those who hurt me! I forgave myself for being so hurtful, too! I finally know how to forgive! I am grateful for this gift to learn! It is totally life changing!

I am free of the fear of rejection and judgment! I understand that I am me. I always knew that I want to be myself, true, authentic, raw, and real – and now I know I will be real! Free of fear of rejection! Because I am beautiful and I am loved!!!! I always was attracted to honesty and authenticity – that was always one of my drives, my internal voice ❤

I love myself! I respect myself! I never thought I will embrace and understand that aspect! How mistaken was I! I can carry entire world on my shoulders now based on that energy coming from self-love and self-acceptance within me!

I am so looking forward to empowering others, to help other girls and ladies within my beYOUtiful coaching services. I am so excited about publishing my autobiography, self-help books, and cookbooks! I am ready to spread the love. I am open to creative opportunities for getting and earning more money.

I AM A BLESSING! I AM UNIQUE! I AM SPECIAL! I AM ONE IN BILLIONS! I AM A DREAM! I create amazing things in my life with no self-doubts, no self-hesitation, and no fear!!!! There is no fear, just LOVE!

My dreams are coming true!!! They do because I was my own dream which just came true!!! Creating Izabela ❤

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!!!

I LOVE YOU beYOUtiful! ❤ “

 

THANK YOU FOR READING IT TILL THE END!

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

 

DO LOVE & DO MAGIC ❤

 

Since I became aware of my life being a precious gift, I started searching for the answer to that ONE question: WHY AM I REALLY HERE?

I went through my whole life as totally blinded zombie-human, not knowing what is happening around me, not recognizing kindness in others eyes, not seeing beauty in the life I had and numbing the magical nature sounds with the highest volume of my electro music! It could have been like that until now, if some breakthroughs and awakenings weren’t to happen!

In this life I fought to survive. Serious migraines which left me almost unconscious in 6th grade, being rescued from committing suicide, surviving heart attack and cancer, overcoming depression and multiple approaches to commit suicide again and again, over and over.

 

BUT I DID SURVIVE!

I DO LIVE NOW!

BUT WHY???

 

I wanted to know.

I craved to know the deep meaning.

Was it to live, experience, discover and find happiness that we all crave?

or

Was it for something FAR greater than that?

So, I started to dig deep.

 

* Was is it that there was a part of me that was here to leave a legacy?

* Was it that I came here to make a difference, to shine my light?

* Was it that I came here to share my gift and do magic?

* Was it that I came here to live a life full of purpose and love?

* Was it that everything I went through this time would lead me to this exact point in my life where I would discover what I have been actually seeking?

* Was it that I would find a true meaning this time?

 

Now those questions, I FEEL in my bones, in my nerves, in every single cell and receptor.

 

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I feel that there IS SOMETHING FAR GREATER for you to discover here, than you can even imagine.

 

I urge you to discover the wisdom, knowledge and the knowing deep inside of you.

Because what I know to be true is that WE ARE ALL just trying to find our own POTENTIAL of who we came here to BE.

And what I am sure about that we are all here to do magic and share love!

 

I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

Nut Butter Breakthrough

Do you live in the reality where you were told that some things in this world are just bad? Do you interact with people who constantly bombard you with judgment and opinions? Do you create your own world around those notions, thoughts, stories and beliefs that you gathered during your life, and that are not necessarily true?

Where am I headed to with those questions? What does that have to do with nut butter?

 

Oh, let me tell you my story.

I have never shared this before.

The entire world believes that being a bodybuilder, looking wonderfully lean and muscular, fit and athletic, is the healthiest thing someone could get involved in. There is no bigger misinterpretation than that. The myth of “healthy” bodybuilding can be easily debunked. I did look awesome, the best ever in my life, that’s true. Have I worked hard? Oh, heck yes, the hardest “job” I have ever done was getting ready for that stage. The limitations, deprivations, rules and what’s good and what’s totally not good or allowed, losing the social life, having no time for anything but gym, are the major “bonuses” to it. Moreover, I consider these even better: insomnia during the night, sleepiness during the day, lack of period, total lack of energy, adrenal fatigue, hypothyroidism and extreme food intolerance.

What I found the most incredible during that time is the way to look at the food and the body. Being at 7% body fat on the stage is an indication of your well-done work, and then gaining 2 pounds is considered not good anymore.

But where did I lose the main character of this story, nut butter? The cheat meal or carbing up by eating pizza, donuts and the crappiest food on this planet, was considered “good” and “beneficial” for your gains. However, eating healthy, full of good nutrients and good fats, nut butter, was the worst thing you could even think of, totally sabotaging your progress. Having this type of “cheat meal” was making me fat, over night actually, and thanks to it I most likely wouldn’t be able to step on the stage.

Do you follow me? Do you see the story behind it? Do you see the misleading beliefs here?

 

Where am I headed with that now?

Here it is. The bodybuilding world doesn’t talk about, but 85% girls start with it because they either have already underlying eating disorders and body image issues, or they end up with that after pursuing that journey. And I was on both sides. Yes, I am a girl who suffered bulimia and anorexia as a teenager, in mid and late 20s, and of course the “exciting” disorder became more dangerous after competitions. Every single pound is an obsession, every single bite of food is making me fat overnight. Every single spoon of that freaking nut butter is sabotaging all my athletic performance. But wait, what if I eat pizza, or donuts – then I should be fine, right?!

 

Do you see where I am getting to?

The messed-up stories and beliefs someone told me during that time, create the person I am now. And if you are me, you hate your body, you binge, then purge and hate yourself even more. And the vicious cycle is never going to end unless you stop yourself, you literally get yourself into the silent place, remove the worldly distractions and ask yourself the major question: what problem, emotions, pain, feelings, or issue am I trying to numb with food or any other addiction?

The root of that addiction was somewhere deep inside of me. Exactly like the root of my love-hate feelings toward a simple food like nut butter. Why was I loving it and hating it just after I ate it? Why was I craving it, even though I wasn’t hungry, so I could purge afterwards? Why was I even buying it, if it was making me so overly fat?? WHY?

Because the root of that was simple: someone told me that this type of food is making me fat. That nut butter will make me weak. That this food will make me perform bad. That thanks to this food I better stop pursuing whatever athletic and sport goals I had. Because I am going to fail…if I keep eating it. I am not exaggerating this story. It is my real, deep and true story.

 

So, if you still reading, listen: dig deep inside of your soul and heart, allow yourself to feel it, to think, to be in the moments with yourself, your memories – even if they are painful. Pain is the best teacher we could ever have in this world.

Use it wisely!

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

 

 

Step by Step… [The Emotional and Mental Memoir from Ultra Beast Spartan Race]

This is not a recap of an Ultra Beast Race. You can read those elsewhere. This is a mental and emotional piece about somebody’s inner world.

This is not a blog with ideas and tips on how to train. It is not about how to eat and prepare for one of the toughest obstacle endurance races. This is an expression of a soul screaming after facing an unknown field of defeat and disqualification.

The “Ultra Beast Spartan Race” is one of the longest obstacle races in the OCR series. What does that mean for an overachieving athlete like me? It means there is going to be a mental challenge. It inevitably leads to the question of “to be or not be” in the game.

 

Weeks before….

In the weeks leading up to that moment, I often found myself overthinking and over-analyzing the upcoming race. Of course, this would be interspersed with moments of calmness, and times of not thinking about the race at all. As a professional athlete, business owner, and life coach, I have learned firsthand how overthinking will never result in anything good. It only leads to fear, stress and demotivation. Overanalyzing is even worse; it creates an overpowering fear of losing control. I am the last one to predict the weather, the course, the obstacles, and most importantly: to predict my own body’s reaction and feelings.

I find it very relaxing to not think about the race at all. Yes, “spacing out” can irritate the ones who love you most. But guess what? I love spacing out. I bask in the moments when I allow the universe to think on my behalf. I love not knowing what the future may hold. I love to be at peace, doing what I do every day: eat healthy, train hard, stretch, rest, and sleep.

 

The night before….

That day before the Ultra Beast was one of the most serene days of my life. All my work was done. I was up to date on updating my clients’ plans. Everything was taken care of. The trip was planned, I had checked the weather. Even the last-minute gels had been purchased and packed. I was ready.

I decided to go on a walk. I was fully present. I looked up at the sky to see the stars, ever grateful for that precious moment! Silence is the best medicine for me before such a race.

Every professional athlete takes time to just sit with their own thoughts.

I shut down all the voices and all the stress.  This is the best anyone can do the night before a big race!

 

On race day….

Morning brought silence. With a carbed-up breakfast and mental focus, I knew what I wanted most in that moment. I thought: There is nothing else but me.

Me, the way I am now. Completely present, two hours before the start. Me, the most athletic, the best prepared, the healthiest person. I can face the unknown. All will be good, because I will take it step by step.

I did everything within my power, right? I am the strongest I could possibly be, right? I prepared every single detail for this race, right? Yes, I did.

Let’s do this!

 

The Race….

Start, slow start…

I relinquished my inner-will to chase the rest of the competitors. I kept repeating: “Pace yourself”. It soon became my mantra for the race.

“When the breathing peaks up, all I do is pace myself.”

Suddenly, I recalled everything I ever read or heard about the importance of breathing. How successful of a tool it is for stress management. Was I stressed? Not particularly, but I was very focused. I wasn’t going to let any breathing struggles get in my way. “You got this” and “keep going” was mentioned frequently by those passing me.

Yes, my legs keep moving step by step. “There is no other way but forward” my mind exclaims. “You got this, beYOUtiful!” I said to myself, as I approached a steep hill.

Step by step. I removed any thoughts about the obstacles that were ahead of me.

“That is the next step, let me focus on the uphill right now.”

I relinquished all care about the future. I knew that all I had to focus on was my next step. I had brief bursts of energy, helping me refocus, recharge.

Suddenly, I was battling an obstacle. My mind went blank. I swiftly reminded myself that I was moving forward. In my mind, “burpee” became synonymous with “obstacle”. I thought: “I will not allow ‘burpees’ to disturb my stubborn Taurus personality.”

Do you remember saying from the movie, “Dori”?

“Just keep swimming.”

Exactly. Keep moving. Keep swimming. Keep running!

 

Suddenly, my body was telling me something….

Was it a pinch in the knee? I tried to decipher the feeling. “Listen knee, we have a second lap to do. We’ve got this. Just cooperate with me and stop fighting, ok?”

As the miles added up, I felt my body in places I wasn’t expecting. I tried to reassure myself. I had never had issues with my ankles and knees before.

“Let me change the way I run. Let’s try to slow down and let refocus on the course. I know my body, all will be fine.”

As I made it through another obstacle, I thought, “That was easy, which means I’m a badass! Even the cold doesn’t bother me as much as others that I am slowly passing. Wow, I prepared really well.”

I had just finished facing the biggest fear of my life. Swimming didn’t kill me physically, but it broke me mentally.

As I plunged in to the icy water, I tried to my best to have a positive mindset. But, unfortunately, the panic attack was stronger.

“That’s ok, it’s in the past. Let’s do burpees and move on. I’ve got a second lap to do and I need to have a serious conversation with my body parts.”

 

Downhill…

I know the difference between pain and discomfort. I have an incredibly high pain tolerance. But this pain was excruciating.

“Knee, please, please don’t do this to me now. Why are you actually hurting? I’ve been so kind to you. I’ve been pacing myself this entire time.”

My pace began to slow.

Still, I moved on, step by step. But I felt it. No, it wasn’t pain. It was fear, creeping in to my thoughts. I had worked so hard on letting my fear go, just days before the race.

“Go away!!!!”

As I pictured my ligaments tearing and visualized tripping and rolling down this hill, my inner self shouted “NO, NO, NO!!!”

But I’m stubborn. The overachiever, the badass, the winner.

 

I had to decide….

The pain became unbearable. Do you know those pain scales in the hospital, with “1” being the best and “10” being the worst? I was at a 9, maybe 10, and it brought tears to my eyes. It was so intense that I could barely hold my focus as I limped. A fight between my inner-worlds ensued.

“Didn’t you accomplish 12 hours of the brutal Hurricane Heat event? Do you remember what you were telling yourself there? Yes, so keep repeating: step, step, step, step. Don’t think about giving up. Just: step, step, step, step. Shut up and move on. Step, step, step. This is your dream. Step, step, step. This is your life. Step, step, step.”

I couldn’t take another.

“Please don’t do that to me! Don’t fade, please. I can go, I can move….”

Having to give away your inner power hurts more than any knee ever could. I had to decide to let my partner continue through the race without me. I felt like I let myself down, and I had never envisioned this would happen!

 

Afterwards….   

I felt empty, I felt lost, I felt disempowered. I had lost myself somewhere on the 15-mile mark.

Someone else must have decided to DNF on my behalf. It was not the Izabela I know. She never gives up. She never whines. She never uses pain as an excuse! The Izabela I know lives by the saying: “be comfortable with uncomfortable”. It was someone other than me that decided to quit. I know I could’ve gone on and finished it!

But no, continuing with that pain wouldn’t have been possible.

The Izabela I know is also caring of herself and others. She is supportive. She inspires and motivates herself and other. She might be unstoppable, but she also knows when it’s time to practice self-care. She may have the strength to break ice, but she also knows how to melt ice with self-love. She knows that dreams do come true. They just come true during the right time, at the right place.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

….. step by step ……

Giving thanks

THANK YOU

… for being the love when I needed to feel loved

THANK YOU

… for being the ears when I needed to be heard

THANK YOU

… for being the pure page when I needed to write my life chapter

THANK YOU

… for being the courage when I needed the compassion

THANK YOU

… for being the passion when I needed to see my life purpose

THANK YOU

… for being the silence when I needed to feel your presence

THANK YOU

…for being

 

THANK YOU is a magical expression.

It breaks the coldest hearts, it opens up the most closed minds, it melts the most stubborn souls and it brings the joy to the most resentful egos.

It is meant to show an appreciation, a gratitude, love, an accomplishment, pride and happiness.

It means a world to the most tired mother and approval to the hardest working employee.

It connects the furthest relationships.

It expresses the hidden feelings.

It is meant to be used often… because world deserves to be appreciated for all beauty and magic it provides.

 

THANK YOU FOR BEING beYOUtiful! ❤