One day I got homesick.
I haven’t seen my family, which is back in Europe, for almost 6 years. Due to many reasons, personal, professional, financial and other.
Today I got seriously home sick. I missed my Mom. I couldn’t stop crying, tears were dropping uncontrollably. They were releasing so much sadness. The deep longing for reconnecting to the woman who carried me in her womb, who raised me and who feels what I feel, was overwhelming.
It came suddenly, unplanned.
Yet, it was totally planned. Nothing happens without a reason. The Universe has its ways to communicate!
I don’t have kids. I wanted at some point in my life. But due to hormonal problems, such as PCOS, I knew I will either have difficulties to get pregnant or never be able to have kids. After trying for over one and a half years with my ex-husband, I gave up. In order for me to not get depressed, I convinced my mind and heart that it is ok. That I am sick and I can always enjoy the children in my family, among my friends and around me. I even volunteered for children mentorship organizations to fulfill what was missing in my life.
Whenever someone asked me about kids, my answer was very fast and straightforward: I don’t want to have kids. I won’t be a good mother and I believe I am being a more responsible person by not having them rather than giving them a bad example and a bad family.
The emotions about having one were scary, fearful, even to the point of being disgusted.
I also felt that I love my space. I like living luxury life. I like being by myself. Kids would just destroy my beautiful, well organized environment which I could live by myself according to myself.
Recently, the situation in my relationship forced me to discuss the potential pregnancy with my fiancée. I am not sure why did I even ask about what we will do if that happens. I quickly concluded that I am having an abortion in that case. There is no space for a kid in my life. No, no, no.
Yet, the other day I wasn’t able to purchase a pregnancy test in the store. For the first time in my life all I could feel was my heart saying that all of it is in God’s and the Universe’s hands.
I came back home and I started crying.
Cried and cried, not knowing why at first.
I missed my mom!
I realized that I didn’t want to have kids, ever in my life, because I didn’t want them to hurt me as I hurt my mom.
I didn’t want them to leave me behind and abandon me as I did to my mom.
Since I was little, I knew my mission was to protect my mom. Protect her from my abusive dad. I saw her too often on the floor bleeding from kicks and punches from my dad. All I could do to protect her then was to make sure my younger siblings were quiet so my dad wouldn’t punish my mom even more. I knew I was helping her.
I was protecting her from abusive words during the family events, where my dad could call her a whore in front of hundreds of people. Her tears were my tears, her dishonored person was mine to carry.
I was protecting her every single time I could. And if there was a moment I couldn’t it was because I wasn’t present.
Then I left to college. I left her!
I left her in the place where there was no love for her. I left her with a person I deeply hated. I left her alone and weak, sad and depressed, yet so strong that she allowed me to go. With a smile on her face, eyes full of hope, body language expressing deep love and pain at the same time, she sent me to the outside world. That way I could go there and get an education and be an independent woman and a kind person to even my enemies, serve others and always forgive, as she forgave my father a long time ago.
How could she possibly do that?
Because she is the strongest woman on this planet I have ever known.
Today, knowing how I hurt her, I know I don’t want to feel that hurt myself. I don’t want my kid to abandon me.
I don’t want my kid to tell me one day that she doesn’t want to live anymore. Because I did that, too, to my mom on my birthday, when she called me at the exact same time I was born 37 years earlier. I told her that I want to die, and I should have never been born.
I can just feel the sharp pain in her heart. Yet, she didn’t even move. She didn’t panic. She didn’t cry. That wonderful woman said words I will never forget.
‘Your birth gave me hope and it always will. So today I am telling you that there is hope! Stay with me baby girl and we both will make it work!’– my MOM
So today I know that in order to love, forgive and live with hope, kindness, compassion and unlimited strength in my heart and soul, I need to feel pain, experience hurt and tears and keep moving. Through pain there is healing. Through pain I can become the true and authentic, loving and beautiful woman my Mom always wanted me to be. Just like her! And always loving my enemies! Just like her!
Today I am grateful for what I am being given, the wonderful gift of life, the wonderful Mother and the opportunity to give life and be a mother myself as well. Whatever it is meant for me to give birth to!
I LOVE YOU MOM! ❤️
- The article was originally published in the “ROAR, Fierce Feminine Rising by Beyouty Revolution” magazine, issue #9/2018.
- The editor of this magazine, Mellisa Kelly, permitted for the publication of this article on my personal blog as well.
- You can find the magazine info as well as subscription link here: https://beyoutyrevolution.com/
- You can find information about the magazine on these platforms: Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ROARFierceFeminineRising/ and Instagram https://www.instagram.com/roarfiercefemininerising/ (@roarfiercefemininerising).