The letter to my gift and my life purpose

Dear gift,

I haven’t had any clue for a long time what is my life purpose, what is my gift!

I haven’t had any idea why I am here.

So many times, I wanted to disappear and just leave this life.

But also, so many times I got back,

to the present moment,

to the awareness of my mission,

to the unknown life purpose,

to that, someone wanting or needing me to be.


The unclear mission, blurry life purpose, questionable gift, and the unknown path.

Asking so many times….

Why me? What for? What is there? Who am I? how do I do it? When is my time? What is it? Where should I be? How should I show up? How could I serve? How could I see that I am meant to be here?

Am I?


Today I sit and all I know is

that I am the one in seven billion,

that I am unique,

that there are nothing and nobody like me,

that I am loved, that I am supported,

that I do care about my soul,

that I do care about your soul.


Today I know there is a wonderland and wonderment where we all belong.

I know that my life wisdom, experiences, and lessons are my true gift, which is seen as soon as I stop hiding, putting the mask on and speak up.

That’s the moment when I feel I have a gift – the gift of a true identity seeker, uncovering something that was brutally kicked into the corner – myself and yourself!

My mission is to show every single woman that she is not who she is now, that she is not who she should be or other told her to be.


However, there is a danger warning here;

Once you uncover who you truly are, real things happen and huge changes are coming – the changes which are dangerous to everyone around you, especially those you were trying to please, make happy, or those who were trying to make you small.


My gift is to create the earthquake in your life,

My gift is to initiate the tsunami in your mind,

My gift is to extend the storm in your soul,

My gift is to ignite the fire in your heart,

My gift is to open the valve to flood your potentials with the unlimited energy.


My gift is to change the way you see, hear, smell, taste, feel and sense anything in your life, including yourself. Because I can see the person you are hiding behind.

And if I can see her, that means she exists!

That means she better come out for the highest good of this life, for the highest good of her life!


Dear gift,

Serve me well so I can create that explosion in every women’s hearts so they can become finally who they really are!!


Love you beYOUtiful ❤





Letter to my Inner Child

Dear Izabelka,

Dear my beloved Inner Child,


I wanted to start with the words of apologies and then words of appreciation!


I want to apologize for abandoning you for all my life.

I want to apologize for not hearing your voice, your scream and begging to be saved, protected and loved.

I want to apologize, from the depth of my heart, for not seeing your innocent beauty.

I want to apologize for being blind and deaf to your presence.

I want to apologize and beg for your forgiveness today.


Because today I realized how scared you’ve been. I can see how lonely you’ve been all the life despite me being so close. I know I left you behind, like the most cold-hearted person, and refused to listen, hear and feel you. I admit that I lived as a one-minded person who tried all her life to dismiss the deepest emotions of yours. I am aware of how zombie-like life I was creating without incorporating you in it. I apologize Izabelka.


I am so grateful that you are still with me.

I am so grateful that I came back home and recognized your presence.

I am so appreciative for reuniting with the biggest love of mine, you.

I am so happy I could see how scared you were and provide you with safety, we both so needed.

I am thankful to see how much you’ve been craving love and start giving it to both of us.

I am so happy you are with me!


You are the bravest and the strongest woman I have ever met!

How wonderful is that to share the life, love, magic and the beauty with you!

I love you to the moon and back! ❤


I promise to never ever leave you alone.

I promise to never ever leave you unprotected and insecure.

I promise to never ever leave you unloved.


Yours forever,


‘I just want to tell you that you are safe.’ as soon as I said that, she hugged me again on my hips and I could hear her little and quick breath of relief. Her body relaxed and she kept holding onto me. It appeared to me as she wanted to stay with me. So, I decided to be there just for her. ‘You are safe’.  She repeated ‘I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.’

[excerpt from my book “True Identity” – Summer 2018]

The letter to my body

Dear Body,

I want to start with telling you how sorry I am for who I was to you throughout last 36 years of our life.

I am sorry for seeing you as a shame, not wanting to even look at you in the mirror.

I am sorry for seeing you as fat after giving you only a little salad or stuffing you with only coffee the whole day.

I am sorry for expecting you to not be swollen, itchy or yellow-skinned after feeding you with sugar loaded crap and processed food.

I am sorry for always wanting to exchange you for something better than you were.

I am sorry for putting you through the pain of constant starvation, dieting, and purging.

I am sorry for not recognizing how amazingly you worked for me every single day without any injuries and major health issues.

I am sorry for not being content with you even after the super heavy workout routine, which didn’t leave you happy at all.

I am sorry for being disgusted by you.

I am sorry for hurting you physically.

I am sorry for using you in ways I feel ashamed of now.

I am sorry for feeling only negative emotions towards you.

I am sorry for always seeing other bodies better than you.

I am sorry for crying as soon as I saw you naked, not happy about what I saw.

I am sorry that I made myself so unhappy in you.

I am sorry for hurting you so deeply despite the love you gave me since I was born.

I am sorry…

and these apologies are the hardest I have ever expressed.


However, the appreciation I have today for you is unlimited.

The promise I have for you today is going to change everything.

I always wanted to be loved! You loved me unconditionally all the time.

I never did.


The promise is that….

I love you and will always do!!!!

The love letter to myself

A few months ago, I wrote a letter. The love letter from my Future Self to my Recent Self.

The Future Self who is empowered, in alignment and in peace with herself, decided to give some words of encouragement to the woman standing here and writing to you right now. The letter is very open, vulnerable and authentic. Just the way I wanted to be to read it now, and every day.

My desire for you is that this letter will shift some energy within you so you can see your own beauty, worth and true identity under the mask you are wearing. My intention for you is that the letter below will encourage you to write the one for yourself. Don’t overthink or analyze it, just after you finish reading, grab a pen and write some words to yourself. Be loving, kind and non-judgmental.

My wish for you is that you see how beYOUtiful and worthy you are!

Because you are!!!


Dear Izabela,

WOW, what a journey, what a life changer!!!! I am so incredibly proud of you for making the step to create a new chapter in your life. I remember the hope and help you were looking for, and how finding that was totally price-independent. I knew that day that this is it, and I was so right!! Thank you, Universe, for giving me that opportunity at just the right time in my life and for not allowing my self-destructive doubts, hesitations and sabotaging creep in and prevent me from doing it!!!! I finally invested in my own self!!!!

I am so happy today! The real, raw, pure, and deep happiness inside of me! The happiness I was craving all 36 years!

I am confident! With my inner self, with my inner voice and thoughts, with my body, every single part of my body. I am confident with myself by myself when it’s quiet and it’s only me, my reflections, my inner voice, my inner child and my inner women!

I am emotionally stable. I am comfortable with my fears and my pains. I recognize them, I let them be and let them teach me.

For the first time, I am confident and proud to be a woman. I feel finally sexy, hot, attractive, comfortable naked and even seductive in a very feminine way!!! OMG, how much I wanted to be that woman!!!!

I am free of that messed up bulimia and binge eating!!! I AM FREE….it makes me feel so light knowing that I do not violent and hate my body anymore.

I AM FREE OF SELF-HATE – I am free forever! Those hateful moments towards myself are gone! How could I possibly do that to myself? That was so scary, so hurting, so painful – and it is GONE!!!!! I am love. I am a vessel of pure love. I do love. I share the love. I treat myself with love.

I am free of anxiety and depression – because I am finally feeling present, aligned with myself, truly aligned with my core values, inner voice and instincts. Finally, I am able to silent my mind and listen to the voice inside, to the Universe.

I am grateful! I see opportunities and beautiful gifts every minute, each day of my life!

I am finally moving with the flow, in every area of my life. I understood how huge resistance I was creating around me and I worked that out!!! I allowed myself to grow, to flourish, to expand and to create amazing things I always dreamt about! Now I am ready to live fully, and change lives around me!

I am a positive person with a positive energy radiating from me. The energy which changes lives, which allows me to see every single event, moment, and person in my life as the best thing that could ever happen to me!

I allow the energy to propel me to create huge things in all areas of my life. I live my life creating only positive energy around and within me.

I am empowered! I am driven! I am strong! I am truly and deeply that person, feeling unstoppable, limitless and fearless not only in the business, fitness, life but most importantly, mentally and emotionally!

I am giving myself NOW the acceptance of myself the way I am; of not being perfect; of not being in full control. I am forgiving myself for mistakes and imperfections. I am relaxed and enjoying life the way it is given to me! Now I learn from every single experience and mistake. I truly see failures as great lessons.

I am happy for the first time that I am alive. I can celebrate now my birthdays ❤

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!! THAT IS HUGE!!!! Finally, Izabela you see yourself as amazing, powerful, strong, persistent, successful, limitless, life-changing, balanced, aligned, peaceful, confident and sexy woman.

I am free of past, free of abusive past and voices, which were limiting my beautiful soul, heart and mind from growing, creating, being, loving! I am so extremely happy I am free of that past! Now I can live, I can see myself flourishing and being nurturing to my body, soul, mindset, heart and my wonderful dreams and visions. Now I can be fearless and doubt-less and calmly and confidently look forward to my future. Because finally, I learned that I am a creator of my life!!!

I am at peace with my past, too! I forgave those who hurt me! I forgave myself for being so hurtful, too! I finally know how to forgive! I am grateful for this gift to learn! It is totally life changing!

I am free of the fear of rejection and judgment! I understand that I am me. I always knew that I want to be myself, true, authentic, raw, and real – and now I know I will be real! Free of fear of rejection! Because I am beautiful and I am loved!!!! I always was attracted to honesty and authenticity – that was always one of my drives, my internal voice ❤

I love myself! I respect myself! I never thought I will embrace and understand that aspect! How mistaken was I! I can carry entire world on my shoulders now based on that energy coming from self-love and self-acceptance within me!

I am so looking forward to empowering others, to help other girls and ladies within my beYOUtiful coaching services. I am so excited about publishing my autobiography, self-help books, and cookbooks! I am ready to spread the love. I am open to creative opportunities for getting and earning more money.

I AM A BLESSING! I AM UNIQUE! I AM SPECIAL! I AM ONE IN BILLIONS! I AM A DREAM! I create amazing things in my life with no self-doubts, no self-hesitation, and no fear!!!! There is no fear, just LOVE!

My dreams are coming true!!! They do because I was my own dream which just came true!!! Creating Izabela ❤


I LOVE YOU beYOUtiful! ❤ “



I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤




Since I became aware of my life being a precious gift, I started searching for the answer to that ONE question: WHY AM I REALLY HERE?

I went through my whole life as totally blinded zombie-human, not knowing what is happening around me, not recognizing kindness in others eyes, not seeing beauty in the life I had and numbing the magical nature sounds with the highest volume of my electro music! It could have been like that until now, if some breakthroughs and awakenings weren’t to happen!

In this life I fought to survive. Serious migraines which left me almost unconscious in 6th grade, being rescued from committing suicide, surviving heart attack and cancer, overcoming depression and multiple approaches to commit suicide again and again, over and over.






I wanted to know.

I craved to know the deep meaning.

Was it to live, experience, discover and find happiness that we all crave?


Was it for something FAR greater than that?

So, I started to dig deep.


* Was is it that there was a part of me that was here to leave a legacy?

* Was it that I came here to make a difference, to shine my light?

* Was it that I came here to share my gift and do magic?

* Was it that I came here to live a life full of purpose and love?

* Was it that everything I went through this time would lead me to this exact point in my life where I would discover what I have been actually seeking?

* Was it that I would find a true meaning this time?


Now those questions, I FEEL in my bones, in my nerves, in every single cell and receptor.



I feel that there IS SOMETHING FAR GREATER for you to discover here, than you can even imagine.


I urge you to discover the wisdom, knowledge and the knowing deep inside of you.

Because what I know to be true is that WE ARE ALL just trying to find our own POTENTIAL of who we came here to BE.

And what I am sure about that we are all here to do magic and share love!


I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤

Nut Butter Breakthrough

Do you live in the reality where you were told that some things in this world are just bad? Do you interact with people who constantly bombard you with judgment and opinions? Do you create your own world around those notions, thoughts, stories and beliefs that you gathered during your life, and that are not necessarily true?

Where am I headed to with those questions? What does that have to do with nut butter?


Oh, let me tell you my story.

I have never shared this before.

The entire world believes that being a bodybuilder, looking wonderfully lean and muscular, fit and athletic, is the healthiest thing someone could get involved in. There is no bigger misinterpretation than that. The myth of “healthy” bodybuilding can be easily debunked. I did look awesome, the best ever in my life, that’s true. Have I worked hard? Oh, heck yes, the hardest “job” I have ever done was getting ready for that stage. The limitations, deprivations, rules and what’s good and what’s totally not good or allowed, losing the social life, having no time for anything but gym, are the major “bonuses” to it. Moreover, I consider these even better: insomnia during the night, sleepiness during the day, lack of period, total lack of energy, adrenal fatigue, hypothyroidism and extreme food intolerance.

What I found the most incredible during that time is the way to look at the food and the body. Being at 7% body fat on the stage is an indication of your well-done work, and then gaining 2 pounds is considered not good anymore.

But where did I lose the main character of this story, nut butter? The cheat meal or carbing up by eating pizza, donuts and the crappiest food on this planet, was considered “good” and “beneficial” for your gains. However, eating healthy, full of good nutrients and good fats, nut butter, was the worst thing you could even think of, totally sabotaging your progress. Having this type of “cheat meal” was making me fat, over night actually, and thanks to it I most likely wouldn’t be able to step on the stage.

Do you follow me? Do you see the story behind it? Do you see the misleading beliefs here?


Where am I headed with that now?

Here it is. The bodybuilding world doesn’t talk about, but 85% girls start with it because they either have already underlying eating disorders and body image issues, or they end up with that after pursuing that journey. And I was on both sides. Yes, I am a girl who suffered bulimia and anorexia as a teenager, in mid and late 20s, and of course the “exciting” disorder became more dangerous after competitions. Every single pound is an obsession, every single bite of food is making me fat overnight. Every single spoon of that freaking nut butter is sabotaging all my athletic performance. But wait, what if I eat pizza, or donuts – then I should be fine, right?!


Do you see where I am getting to?

The messed-up stories and beliefs someone told me during that time, create the person I am now. And if you are me, you hate your body, you binge, then purge and hate yourself even more. And the vicious cycle is never going to end unless you stop yourself, you literally get yourself into the silent place, remove the worldly distractions and ask yourself the major question: what problem, emotions, pain, feelings, or issue am I trying to numb with food or any other addiction?

The root of that addiction was somewhere deep inside of me. Exactly like the root of my love-hate feelings toward a simple food like nut butter. Why was I loving it and hating it just after I ate it? Why was I craving it, even though I wasn’t hungry, so I could purge afterwards? Why was I even buying it, if it was making me so overly fat?? WHY?

Because the root of that was simple: someone told me that this type of food is making me fat. That nut butter will make me weak. That this food will make me perform bad. That thanks to this food I better stop pursuing whatever athletic and sport goals I had. Because I am going to fail…if I keep eating it. I am not exaggerating this story. It is my real, deep and true story.


So, if you still reading, listen: dig deep inside of your soul and heart, allow yourself to feel it, to think, to be in the moments with yourself, your memories – even if they are painful. Pain is the best teacher we could ever have in this world.

Use it wisely!


You got this beYOUtiful! ❤



Step by Step… [The Emotional and Mental Memoir from Ultra Beast Spartan Race]

This is not a recap of an Ultra Beast Race. You can read those elsewhere. This is a mental and emotional piece about somebody’s inner world.

This is not a blog with ideas and tips on how to train. It is not about how to eat and prepare for one of the toughest obstacle endurance races. This is an expression of a soul screaming after facing an unknown field of defeat and disqualification.

The “Ultra Beast Spartan Race” is one of the longest obstacle races in the OCR series. What does that mean for an overachieving athlete like me? It means there is going to be a mental challenge. It inevitably leads to the question of “to be or not be” in the game.


Weeks before….

In the weeks leading up to that moment, I often found myself overthinking and over-analyzing the upcoming race. Of course, this would be interspersed with moments of calmness, and times of not thinking about the race at all. As a professional athlete, business owner, and life coach, I have learned firsthand how overthinking will never result in anything good. It only leads to fear, stress and demotivation. Overanalyzing is even worse; it creates an overpowering fear of losing control. I am the last one to predict the weather, the course, the obstacles, and most importantly: to predict my own body’s reaction and feelings.

I find it very relaxing to not think about the race at all. Yes, “spacing out” can irritate the ones who love you most. But guess what? I love spacing out. I bask in the moments when I allow the universe to think on my behalf. I love not knowing what the future may hold. I love to be at peace, doing what I do every day: eat healthy, train hard, stretch, rest, and sleep.


The night before….

That day before the Ultra Beast was one of the most serene days of my life. All my work was done. I was up to date on updating my clients’ plans. Everything was taken care of. The trip was planned, I had checked the weather. Even the last-minute gels had been purchased and packed. I was ready.

I decided to go on a walk. I was fully present. I looked up at the sky to see the stars, ever grateful for that precious moment! Silence is the best medicine for me before such a race.

Every professional athlete takes time to just sit with their own thoughts.

I shut down all the voices and all the stress.  This is the best anyone can do the night before a big race!


On race day….

Morning brought silence. With a carbed-up breakfast and mental focus, I knew what I wanted most in that moment. I thought: There is nothing else but me.

Me, the way I am now. Completely present, two hours before the start. Me, the most athletic, the best prepared, the healthiest person. I can face the unknown. All will be good, because I will take it step by step.

I did everything within my power, right? I am the strongest I could possibly be, right? I prepared every single detail for this race, right? Yes, I did.

Let’s do this!


The Race….

Start, slow start…

I relinquished my inner-will to chase the rest of the competitors. I kept repeating: “Pace yourself”. It soon became my mantra for the race.

“When the breathing peaks up, all I do is pace myself.”

Suddenly, I recalled everything I ever read or heard about the importance of breathing. How successful of a tool it is for stress management. Was I stressed? Not particularly, but I was very focused. I wasn’t going to let any breathing struggles get in my way. “You got this” and “keep going” was mentioned frequently by those passing me.

Yes, my legs keep moving step by step. “There is no other way but forward” my mind exclaims. “You got this, beYOUtiful!” I said to myself, as I approached a steep hill.

Step by step. I removed any thoughts about the obstacles that were ahead of me.

“That is the next step, let me focus on the uphill right now.”

I relinquished all care about the future. I knew that all I had to focus on was my next step. I had brief bursts of energy, helping me refocus, recharge.

Suddenly, I was battling an obstacle. My mind went blank. I swiftly reminded myself that I was moving forward. In my mind, “burpee” became synonymous with “obstacle”. I thought: “I will not allow ‘burpees’ to disturb my stubborn Taurus personality.”

Do you remember saying from the movie, “Dori”?

“Just keep swimming.”

Exactly. Keep moving. Keep swimming. Keep running!


Suddenly, my body was telling me something….

Was it a pinch in the knee? I tried to decipher the feeling. “Listen knee, we have a second lap to do. We’ve got this. Just cooperate with me and stop fighting, ok?”

As the miles added up, I felt my body in places I wasn’t expecting. I tried to reassure myself. I had never had issues with my ankles and knees before.

“Let me change the way I run. Let’s try to slow down and let refocus on the course. I know my body, all will be fine.”

As I made it through another obstacle, I thought, “That was easy, which means I’m a badass! Even the cold doesn’t bother me as much as others that I am slowly passing. Wow, I prepared really well.”

I had just finished facing the biggest fear of my life. Swimming didn’t kill me physically, but it broke me mentally.

As I plunged in to the icy water, I tried to my best to have a positive mindset. But, unfortunately, the panic attack was stronger.

“That’s ok, it’s in the past. Let’s do burpees and move on. I’ve got a second lap to do and I need to have a serious conversation with my body parts.”



I know the difference between pain and discomfort. I have an incredibly high pain tolerance. But this pain was excruciating.

“Knee, please, please don’t do this to me now. Why are you actually hurting? I’ve been so kind to you. I’ve been pacing myself this entire time.”

My pace began to slow.

Still, I moved on, step by step. But I felt it. No, it wasn’t pain. It was fear, creeping in to my thoughts. I had worked so hard on letting my fear go, just days before the race.

“Go away!!!!”

As I pictured my ligaments tearing and visualized tripping and rolling down this hill, my inner self shouted “NO, NO, NO!!!”

But I’m stubborn. The overachiever, the badass, the winner.


I had to decide….

The pain became unbearable. Do you know those pain scales in the hospital, with “1” being the best and “10” being the worst? I was at a 9, maybe 10, and it brought tears to my eyes. It was so intense that I could barely hold my focus as I limped. A fight between my inner-worlds ensued.

“Didn’t you accomplish 12 hours of the brutal Hurricane Heat event? Do you remember what you were telling yourself there? Yes, so keep repeating: step, step, step, step. Don’t think about giving up. Just: step, step, step, step. Shut up and move on. Step, step, step. This is your dream. Step, step, step. This is your life. Step, step, step.”

I couldn’t take another.

“Please don’t do that to me! Don’t fade, please. I can go, I can move….”

Having to give away your inner power hurts more than any knee ever could. I had to decide to let my partner continue through the race without me. I felt like I let myself down, and I had never envisioned this would happen!



I felt empty, I felt lost, I felt disempowered. I had lost myself somewhere on the 15-mile mark.

Someone else must have decided to DNF on my behalf. It was not the Izabela I know. She never gives up. She never whines. She never uses pain as an excuse! The Izabela I know lives by the saying: “be comfortable with uncomfortable”. It was someone other than me that decided to quit. I know I could’ve gone on and finished it!

But no, continuing with that pain wouldn’t have been possible.

The Izabela I know is also caring of herself and others. She is supportive. She inspires and motivates herself and other. She might be unstoppable, but she also knows when it’s time to practice self-care. She may have the strength to break ice, but she also knows how to melt ice with self-love. She knows that dreams do come true. They just come true during the right time, at the right place.


Everything happens for a reason.


You got this beYOUtiful! ❤

….. step by step ……

Giving thanks


… for being the love when I needed to feel loved


… for being the ears when I needed to be heard


… for being the pure page when I needed to write my life chapter


… for being the courage when I needed the compassion


… for being the passion when I needed to see my life purpose


… for being the silence when I needed to feel your presence


…for being


THANK YOU is a magical expression.

It breaks the coldest hearts, it opens up the most closed minds, it melts the most stubborn souls and it brings the joy to the most resentful egos.

It is meant to show an appreciation, a gratitude, love, an accomplishment, pride and happiness.

It means a world to the most tired mother and approval to the hardest working employee.

It connects the furthest relationships.

It expresses the hidden feelings.

It is meant to be used often… because world deserves to be appreciated for all beauty and magic it provides.




Izabelka’s Transformation


I am Izabela, you may know me…. I was born in March 2011, I am 7 years old.

Admitting that I needed psychological help in order to help not your marriage but yourself, was a huge step into my inner transformation. Yes, 30 years old woman needed to bury herself in order for another woman to be born!

I don’t remember much from my childhood, block it somehow and maybe it’s good, maybe not…. I never made serious decisions based on my own feelings and opinions until March 2011… I was a living, breathing and existing creature, fulfilling others wishes and expectations all my life…being a zombie, walking and not even knowing where I am going!!!

The only changes in my life which created the WOMAN I am now, happened very randomly, almost like an explosion after which you shake your head of the dust and realize you are in totally different world. My dad threw me into the water expecting I will learn how to swim, and it never happened, I don’t know how to swim. However, life threw me into way deeper water than that one, to the lowest rock bottom I could ever imagine it exist and what happened surprisingly, I had to swim, I had to get up, I had to shake my head of the dust and see the new world!!!!

The decision about buying a one-way ticket for my ex-husband and divorcing him was the best ever. The decision of quitting my scientific very-well paid job was a life changing. The decision about hiring trainer and life coach after my heart attack was the biggest awakening. All of them built were the foundation of different transformations for myself.

First one created the woman who realized that she is beautiful, strong, sexy, independent, powerful, loving and deserving to be loved, to be treated with respect!

Second allowed me to understand that I am extremely smart, talented, educated, intelligent, hard-working and can make anything I think of to work.

Third opened my eyes on the beauty I carry in my body, in my heart and soul, realizing how important is it to take care of myself first before serving others. How life choices create the life we live in. How regrets do not exist, how life lessons are empowering and how failure is an actually a grand opening to better options.

Fourth…. yes, there is forth moment of awakening. NOW!!! The moment I realized I can help, I can give and I can change lives of so many people around me by the person I am and what I have to offer…that was a huge blast! I have a plan, LIFE HUGE PLAN of creating a space and a community to help those who seek help, who suffer from abuse, from depression, from lack of motivation and life purpose, from lack of self-being and show them that there is a fantastic powerful SELF-LOVE out there, that each of us can create a magic, create amazing things in this live.

Who told you that you cannot? Your dad? Your Aunt? Or husband? Maybe co-worker or boss?

NOBODY CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND WHAT YOU CAN NOT DO – only you create the reality you live in, the happiness you live with, the magic you surround yourself with!!!!!

YOU got this beYOUtiful!!!! ❤


Survival Mode…..

….I wasn’t born in this country, I have lived in many other countries, I moved eighteen times, I was sexually and mentally abused and I can’t have kids…. and many of those things seems to be nothing to other’s problems….

Depression, anxiety…. Survival Mode!


Survival Mode when I am waking up every day, even though I don’t want because I am afraid of that day, of the future in two minutes, of the person hurting me or rejecting me!

Survival Mode when I tell myself that all will be good, all will work, and today will be a beautiful day – even though I see clouds and I see struggle, because I may not be able to smile today!

Survival Mode when I say I am fine, but all I think is to disappear and never come back!

Survival Mode when I call my mom and tell her that I love her and I am doing so well, I just may need some help to pay rent or bills!

Survival Mode when I know that conversation was a lie and all I want is to kill myself…. only because of her I am not doing it, she would never ever survive that…oh well, I would see her in the heaven then quickly after my attempt!

Survival Mode when words such you are awesome, you are inspiration, you are hardworking, you are kind and you will manage, mean nothing. Oh, they are the biggest lies I have ever heard…why even someone say them…stop it!

Survival Mode when suicide is so tempting, so attractive that I don’t even want to talk to others…being scared they may take away from me that biggest fun and dream!

Survival Mode when lack of motivation, dedication and drive is normal. Don’t people actually live like that their whole life? Why do I need to bother even?

Survival Mode when help is not needed, love is messed up, kindness is worthless, and integrity doesn’t exist… values, what are the values? Didn’t I already told you my biggest goal is to disappear?

Survival Mode when I regret Past, I don’t believe in Present and I am afraid of Future….

Survival Mode when life is not beautiful, life is never beautiful and everyone saying that is just making up the word….


Is there anything else?

Someone said, yes….

There is that life which is beautiful actually,

— the love which brings people together and connects those who needs each other,

— the sun which shines on our faces and smiles,

— the flowers and nature which blesses us every day with unconditional awesomeness.

❤ And the SELF which is so unusual, so amazing, so strong and resilient, so fearless and limitless, so powerful and capable of unimaginable.



I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤