One year ago, I was on the road from New Mexico to Wyoming. I was in a moving truck with all my life squeezed in there. Many things got sold or left behind, though. Material things didn’t have much meaning to me at this point in my life.
I didn’t know yet that soon my life was going to change totally!
And all I could do was to trust that all would be well.
I trusted so much that during the 12-hour drive I didn’t hesitate for a second about my decision. There was no single thought of turning back. I knew I was driving to a new me, to a new life, and to new experiences.
I trusted fully!
You may ask me, what has changed?
And this is my answer.
Depression is my history.
I recall being depressed and suicidal over the last 15 years, with some extreme ups and down. I never knew that in order for me to overcome this disorder I needed at first to feel safe – safe to be, safe to cry, safe to be down, safe to express what I feel!!! Once I felt the safety in every single cell of my body, the awakening came. I realized that I was loved for who I was because it felt safe. It felt loving, too.
The dark thoughts, self-doubts, and fearfulness may still be present – but the way I react to them today is a totally new game. I observe when they come, how they show up, how dark they are and how cloudy my brain gets – I see them and I refuse to let these experiences control my life.
Emotions are OK.
Pain is my superpower.
I accept it, I love it and I don’t push it away. I know they are all here to teach me how to be a better person every day.
I learned to rest and recharge instead of allowing darkness to overtake me.
I learned to take a nap, instead of going into a self-hateful thinking pattern.
I learned to journal or meditate when I am sad or in pain, so I can cry and cry and feel amazing about expressing all of it!
I learned to pause or even step back when it feels heavy.
I learned that it is only me who has a choice of either being happy or miserable.
So, I remind myself every day that I am loved, safe to express and be, beautiful and whole, worthy and freaking unstoppable. I trusted then and keep trusting today!
My personal growth journey went through so many huge shifts that one year ago none of it was even in my dreams.
I was battling severe bulimia, extreme panic attacks, and the biggest obsession over the weight, food and exercising and that saddened me. It felt like it would never end and that there is no hope. Yet, every single time I was experiencing any of it, I managed to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that there is a way out of it.
It was the hardest part of my entire journey – to believe and trust in something that logically didn’t seem like it was ever coming. I had no clue how that would look like or show up. But I knew I could be free of all of these things. I knew that many other women got there, so I could too!
I trusted, and that trust brought me to the freedom and the most beautiful life so far! Freedom from obsession over food or body-image, freedom from panic attacks, freedom from bulimia and freedom from the fear! I trusted then and keep trusting today!
The interpersonal communication and the way it’s done was a huge turn over in my life.
I was told by a few of my ex-partners that I don’t know how to love and how to communicate in the relationship. That’s why I believed that all my relationships didn’t work because I was a problem.
How mistaken I was. I allowed other’s insecurities and inabilities to be projected on me and I took it as my own stories and beliefs.
All I needed was to feel safe. Again, safety was my thing. Once I discovered that being safe is the happy place for me and my Inner Child, then the magic started pouring down from the sky.
Without a person who supported me on this journey by meeting me half-way, that wouldn’t be possible. Creating the safe, non-judgmental and open space for both of us allowed me to blossom. Once that started, I could show how loving and caring of a person I was.
After all, I never thought I could have a relationship like this – trustworthy, respectful, safe, loving, supportive, open and honest!
Acceptance of my emotionality, sensitivity, vulnerability, sensuality, and desires was a great step forward.
Oh well, let me tell you – those qualities never aligned with me – they felt weak, whiny, and not allowed in the big world of success. That girl was all about being powerful, never weak and never crying, strong and doing it all by herself!
Well, that is not true today and I am so glad to take that mask off and reveal the true person.
I felt like an outsider or from a different plant, as I called myself.
I could easily become distracted.
I could feel melancholy for no particular reason.
I could feel other people’s emotions intensely.
I could easily take on the mask of Wonder Woman or Femme Fatale to “fit in” in a society that hasn’t appreciated my intuitive ways.
I knew I was super emotional, with extreme waves even during a single day.
I am a nurturer, caregiver and I cry when I see bad things happening to any human being, including homeless or junkie.
I am sensitive as hell, and that is another superpower of mine.
And I freaking love that about me today. I don’t buy into the story of being too sensitive or PMS. I learned to be with all my emotions, the dark and light ones.
I learned to tap into my vulnerability and use it as the most creative and empowering tool I ever had. I decided to reconnect with my intuition and inner voice so I could be the truest version of myself.
The last, but not the least, is my rediscovery of the part of me which I managed to suppress for the longest – the femininity and woman in me.
I hated being a woman for most of my life. I wanted to have the testosterone to build muscles, I didn’t want to be a crybaby when someone hurt me, I wanted to be a buddy for most of my men friends, I wanted to be treated as a strong person. No vulnerability, sensitivity, tears or whining were allowed. I was happy for not having a period for most of my life while being on the pill. I used the PCOS diagnosis as a relief so I didn’t need to get pregnant. I wanted to hide my hips and breasts. OMG, I could list these things forever.
Today, that part of me seems to be the most mysterious, magical and hiding so much more to learn, express and live by.
Today I track my period which came back in January 2018. I am excited when I am bleeding because that means I am a woman, still or again, whichever way I look at it.
I am excited to be with the moon outside and soak in the energy of the beautiful Luna.
I am happy doing self-massage, dance to hot and sexual music or meditate naked to love every part of my body.
I would never imagine being at this point just a year ago!
Life is beautiful, with every single moment of it – either emotional and sad, or happy and joyful, either with heavy experiences or lightness and breakthroughs.
The number of gifts that life delivers to us within such a short time just like one year – it is truly beyond the imagination of the logical mind. Only the heart and soul can embrace that!
So, I do it, every single day. And I trust!