….I wasn’t born in this country, I have lived in many other countries, I moved eighteen times, I was sexually and mentally abused and I can’t have kids…. and many of those things seems to be nothing to other’s problems….
Depression, anxiety…. Survival Mode!
Survival Mode when I am waking up every day, even though I don’t want because I am afraid of that day, of the future in two minutes, of the person hurting me or rejecting me!
Survival Mode when I tell myself that all will be good, all will work, and today will be a beautiful day – even though I see clouds and I see struggle, because I may not be able to smile today!
Survival Mode when I say I am fine, but all I think is to disappear and never come back!
Survival Mode when I call my mom and tell her that I love her and I am doing so well, I just may need some help to pay rent or bills!
Survival Mode when I know that conversation was a lie and all I want is to kill myself…. only because of her I am not doing it, she would never ever survive that…oh well, I would see her in the heaven then quickly after my attempt!
Survival Mode when words such you are awesome, you are inspiration, you are hardworking, you are kind and you will manage, mean nothing. Oh, they are the biggest lies I have ever heard…why even someone say them…stop it!
Survival Mode when suicide is so tempting, so attractive that I don’t even want to talk to others…being scared they may take away from me that biggest fun and dream!
Survival Mode when lack of motivation, dedication and drive is normal. Don’t people actually live like that their whole life? Why do I need to bother even?
Survival Mode when help is not needed, love is messed up, kindness is worthless, and integrity doesn’t exist… values, what are the values? Didn’t I already told you my biggest goal is to disappear?
Survival Mode when I regret Past, I don’t believe in Present and I am afraid of Future….
Survival Mode when life is not beautiful, life is never beautiful and everyone saying that is just making up the word….
Is there anything else?
Someone said, yes….
There is that life which is beautiful actually,
— the love which brings people together and connects those who needs each other,
— the sun which shines on our faces and smiles,
— the flowers and nature which blesses us every day with unconditional awesomeness.
❤ And the SELF which is so unusual, so amazing, so strong and resilient, so fearless and limitless, so powerful and capable of unimaginable.
I am HERE. I am NOW. I am ME. ❤